Key moments of the Asses, Day 1

By Anil - 7 Nov, '02
November 7 2002

Match report: Key Moments of the Asses, Day 1 by Anil, 7 Nov '02

• Nasser Hussain wins the toss and, on a beauty of a flat batting pitch, shocks everyone by choosing to bowl. But his strategy is sound: he has put off the sledging for now.
• Andy Caddick is hammered to all parts of the ground by Aussie openers. Hussain complains to umpires about an unfair wind that is causing Caddick's large ears to flap uncontrollably.
• England fielders drop 7 catches in the first session alone.
• Langer helpfully informs Hussain between overs that his wife was knocked up by Adam Gilchrist.
• Hayden is caught at the boundary to everyone's relief. But not so fast: Aussie 13th man, third umpire Simon Taufel, has given him not out. English optimism is futile: there is never any doubt about how an Aussie home umpire will rule.
• England bowling is slaughtered.
• Simon Jones, who had injured himself in his first Test (because he was bowling) now injures himself in his second Test (because he was fielding). Reports claim that his posterior anterior ligamentus has been irreversibly strained.
• Hayden walks over to politely inquire after Jones' health while he is being stretchered off. When he is sure they are out of range of all cameras, Hayden surreptitiously smashes his bat into Jones' strained knee, causing him acute discomfort.
• Coach Buchanan clarifies later he never suggested that Hayden literally smash the bowlers.
• Vaughan drops a sitter off Hayden. Complains that Hayden has violated "the spirit of the game" when Hayden doesn't walk anyway. A rowdy Aussie crowd delightedly spits at Vaughan and throws beer bottles at him.
• England bowling is pulverized.
• As a last resort Hussain decides to bring back Jones, who enters the field on crutches. After a stubborn exchange with umpires during which Hussain convinces them that bowlers have a right to runners just as much as batsmen, he gets big man Freddie Flintoff to run in carrying Simon Jones on his back.
• Flintoff stumbles at the delivery crease. Both Flintoff and Jones have fallen, and they can't get up. Flintoff ruptures his double hernia, and is now suffering from a quadruple hernia.
• Hayden accidentally steps on to fallen Flintoff's large gut, causing him acute discomfort.
• As Flintoff and Jones are being stretchered off the field, 12th man Brett Lee runs over to graciously accompany them off the field. When he is sure they are out of range of all microphones, he screams "GET UP, you F****** W******!!!"
• England bowling is annihilated.
• Hussain asks Giles to bowl his negative line. Both Hayden and Ponting help themselves to numerous sixes.
• Ponting gets himself out after a century. A comical scene ensues in the middle as senile wicketkeeper Stewart is seen celebrating in pitiful fashion.
• Hussain complains that bad light could endanger his bowlers and fielders, and requests early suspension of play.
• Australian organizers announce that Jones and Flintoff have been taken to the best hospital in Brisbane, and are receving the best possible care.
• Six hours later, Hussain arrives at the hospital to find both his bowlers still in the ER waiting area. Hospital staff claim that it has been a busy day.
• Simon Taufel calls the hospital staff to convey a quiet thank you on behalf of the Aussie team.