MARK'S COLUMN: December 2003
By Mark Deeks
December 16 2003
Welcome to the monthly review of the mighty Toon!!! No fewer than six fixtures for us to digest in the month of November. There were home league games against Villa and Man City, away fixtures at Chelski and Wolves, and the small matter of the two second round UEFA coup ties with Basel
MARK’S COLUMNS
December 2003
Hello there again folks! Welcome to the monthly review of the mighty Toon!!! No fewer than six fixtures for us to digest in the month of November. There were home league games against Villa and Man City, away fixtures at Chelski and Wolves, and the small matter of the two second round UEFA coup ties with Basel.
Villa at home. Winnable surely. Well no, actually. Another frustrating home fixture with the latest charges of moaner O’Leary, and a pretty non-descript performance. A 1-1 draw and yet another SJP goal for Dion chuffing Dublin! How is it that this journeyman of a footballer continues to cause problems to our defence. Even here when he was playing at centre half in the face of an injury crisis, he still managed to hit the back of the Toon net. Lads. Let this be the last time. Please.
Our trip to Basel surely provided a stiffer test, and we knew we would have to be near our best to get a good result here to set up the tie nicely for the second leg. The Swiss side hadn’t lost in a number of previous outings against British opposition in recent years (including Man Ure, Liverpool and Celtic), and having watched several of those games I was fully aware that these were no mugs, and that the draw could have been a lot kinder.
However, despite the fact we went down twice in the early stages, we fought our way back resiliently to make it 2-2 at the break and eventually secure a 3-2 away win. Big Shola took the plaudits with his well-finished winner, and even Titus chipped in with a goal. All in all, an excellent result considering everything, and with three away goals in the bag, surely only a massive cock up would see us struggle to go through.
Our trip to Chelski was a Sky Sunday fixture, and despite the fact we had had a tough midweek European trip, I fancied us to hopefully get something out of this one. In fact I seem to remember telling anyone would listen in the run up to this one that I thought Chelski were beatable. How wrong I was. Firstly, Super Al pulled out just before the game with illness, and the writing was on the wall. Then Bobby decided that Viana upfront on Big Shola’s shoulder was a good idea. Not convinced Bobby.
Before half-time, we were three down and a man down! And by this point the intensely biased Cockney boy commentary of Ray “really chuffing irritating” Wilkins was starting to get right up my nose.
You know how it works by now. London team playing, commentary usually goes something along the lines of, “Ow yer, Frankkee boye, went to schoowl wivees ded, .. mum maykes amayzin caykes, … lovely fahmlee, awways dus lowds fo’ charidee, … used to see ‘im playin’ down the park, … elwped an ol laydeee wonce….”
And it does my head in!!!! When O’Brien got sent off for bringing down Adrian “well he might have brushed me there but I think I’ll take another four strides before I hit the deck” Mutu, on viewing the replay, Ray Wilkins said, “Oh yeh. That might be a touch unfortunate for Newcastle.” A TOUCH UNFORTUNATE?!!?!? The merest of touches and a cheating Romanian had resulted in the game being out of sight, and this is a touch unfortunate?? It would have been a national state of mourning if that had been Chelski, Arsenal or Man Ure!
As the second half progressed, Ray Wilkins was starting to swill even deeper in Cockney bias superlatives, when he delivered quite possibly the most ridiculous, non-sensical, blatantly biased comment I think I have ever heard. Picture the scene. Damien Duff cuts into the side of the Toon area, and instead of shooting decides to drill the ball across goal. Except, for once, his aim is not what it could have been and the ball misses his team mates and goes out for a throw. Now then, most commentators may have said, “Oh and Duff produces not one of his finest balls of the afternoon” or “He may be disappointed he didn’t pick out Crespo there” or something similar. What did Ray Wilkins say???? “Ow yeh… That hasn’t even gone out for a corner, that’s how good that ball was”.
WHAT? I simply do not understand. What does this statement actually mean? I’d love to know. Please someone explain it!!! Basically, even when things go wrong, we still have to find some way of saying it was good. Anyway, we lost 5-0. Great.
Then Glenn Hoddle in the studio thought he’d chip in with his tuppence worth after the game. They’re replaying Lampard taking the penalty for the umpteenth time when Hoddle contributes “Yeh, Frankee boy, Cockney boy, steps up and dus the beeznis”. OH FOR GOD’S SAKE GIVE IT A REST!!!!
Two home games in the space of a week came in the shape of Keegan’s return with Man City in the league, and the home leg with Basel. The first saw us produce a decent display and a comfortable 3-0 win. City really were disappointing, especially up front, and we dispatched them with a selection of well taken goals. The daftest thing of the afternoon related to my mate Scud. Scud sits a few seats away from us and regularly keeps us entertained with his quite unbelievably insane solo chants! This is the man who learns “Dodgy Keeper” in the language of every opposing goal keeper! When David Seaman was at our end, Scud decided to go for a chant of “Dodgy Pringles!” referring to the thought that Seaman now looks like the man on the side of Pringle tubes!!!! Hilarious obviously. Except a little too hilarious for one over protective copper’s liking. Apparently if he kept that up he’d be thrown out! PLEASE CAN WE START TO GET SOME KIND OF GRIP ON REALITY HERE!! This is not the first time this season that some harmless banter has resulted in a warning, and its quite frankly got to stop. This is fun, lads. Humour. Look it up.
When Basel arrived in Toon, their manager Christian Gross was talking about a game plan of keeping it tight at the back and scoring one goal a half. In reality, they scored a soft own goal for us after about fifteen minutes from a corner, and the rest of the evening resembled little more than a glorified practice match. They seemed to think that there was no way they were going to score three, and we seemed to think the job was done. And it was. 4-2 on aggregate.
Final match of the month, and as everyone kept reminding us just 37 hours after the Basel game, was the trip to the scene of our embarrassing FA cup exit last season, Molineux. The players could rightly protest at being a bit tired, but surely we should have enough in our back pockets to turn over a very poor Premiership side such as Wolves. Well apparently not. A 1-1 draw which included a staggering mix up between Super Shay and Woodgate, and yet another great finish from Super Al. Lua Lua got a chance but rarely impressed (apart from a great ball for the Toon goal). And it really was a case of two points dropped.
So the month ended with the Toon safely through to the third round of the UEFA, and languishing just a bit off the pace for the race for 4th place. However, that final Champions League spot could still be very much in grasp with a couple of wins on the bounce. Here’s hoping. Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.
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