Shaggy Dog - Of Stadiums and Things

By The Shaggy Dog
September 12 2002

The time has come, the Shaggy Dog said, to speak of many things; Of Stone and Boots and Concrete Tax; Of Stadiums and Kings! The Shaggy Dog reveals the truth behind some of the best-known historical sites across the world - Now Read On...

There's nothing new under the sun they say, and it's true. Take this palaver about the new National Stadium for example. In the course of my historical researches, I've discovered that one of our most venerable monuments is actually the remains of an early attempt at building a new Wembley. And it’s not the only attempt at a Football Stadium through the ages that has proved to be fraught with difficulty.

It seems that problems faced by stadium designers today are not new. The Colosseum in Rome was believe it or not originally built for Lazio to play in; however once the corners were filled in the lack of sunlight and wind on the grass meant that the pitch had to be relaid too often, and eventually they moved elsewhere. It was eventually remodelled for the popular sport of inter-species wrestling: many bouts were fought between Christians and Lions, with the Lions frequently coming out on top.

The Ancient Greeks made the first forays into Multi-Purpose stadia, with a running track and pits for the Long Jump to allow for Athletics as well as Football. These attempts ended in failure however when the Athens Stadium was double booked, and during the match star striker Clifford Hercules was badly injured by a javelin in the thigh from an impatient thrower.

More audaciously, it has been suggested that Table Mountain near Cape Town in South Africa was actually a normal mountain that was flattened off at the top by Zulu Architects to make a striking setting for matches involving Shaka's favourites, Mighty Elephants. It soon proved to be impractical though as the Goalkeepers refused to climb all the way down to collect the ball when it was kicked over the edge.

There were of course many Ampitheatres built in England during the Roman Occupation, and some teams took part in the Empire-Wide Tournament of Champions at this time. Football was even tried in the place now known as the Milton Keynes Bowl, but it never took off due to a lack of atmosphere. But Football in these isles goes back even longer than that.

There has been much speculation about the purpose of the many Stone Circles across our land; and my researches lead me to believe that they were not places of druidic worship, or even calenders. No, these are the remains of early Football Stadia. Some of them were very well appointed; if you ever visit Castlerigg Stone Circle, near Keswick, you'll find that even the remains of the Director's Box are visible.

When the issue of a National Stadium came up, there were of course many arguments. Unsurprisingly though, the Stone Age Executive decided to go with an option down south: Salisbury Plain. And so Stonehenge came into being. Arguments continued on though; bringing the stone from Wales was costing a lot more than was budgeted for, and the plans for a large leisure cave complex close by were also under attack. Eventually the money ran out, and Stonehenge was left unfinished as a monument to the folly of the bigwigs, while the England team travelled around the different circles and ampitheatres across the nation, lead by the man only known as "The Viking".