May the Farce be with you!

By Albatross
January 23 2003

With Hartlepool United still top of the table, let's spare a thought for one of the less well off teams in our division. Exeter City are at the wrong end of the table, and the new signing that has attracted most attention isn't even on the pitch. Is it degenerating into Farce for the Grecians?

Forget Hollywood, the place for Division Three fans to head to if they want to see the stars is St. James Park Exeter. This week the Grecians have announced that Dave Prowse - the original Green Cross Code man and ultimate Sci-Fi Villain Darth Vader - is to join the club as an Honourary Director. He will join other famous faces in the Boardroom: Co-Chairman Uri Geller has already recruited illusionist David Blaine and the increasingly unhinged Michael Jackson.

Geller is hoping that the thought of having Darth Vader watching their every move will put opposing players off, although the success of this strategy may depend on whether or not they also remember him as a strange figure in a faux-Superman outfit telling them to "Stop, Look and Listen". Coming at a time when Exeter are improving slightly in the league, it's ironic that this seems likely to gain the club more column inches than the recent signings of Sean Devine and Scott Partridge.

Imagine the scene at the next Board Meeting though.....

There's much muttered conversation, and then Chairman John Russell bangs on the table with a gavel. Michael Jackson winces as it brings back bad memories of his last-but-two nose job, but gradually the conversation stops and silence descends. Except for the fact that in the background is a familiar breathing sound. It comes from a tall figure dressed completely in black, wearing a black helmet.

Russell: Dave, knock it off will you!
Vader: I am sorry, Emperor. But together we can rule the Galaxy.
Russell: Right. Now, we've called this meeting to discuss the future for Exeter City following our relegation to the Conference. I'm afraid there's no disguising the fact: we're bad.
Jackson (sings): We're bad, we're bad, you know it! We're -
Russell: Michael, please not now. This is serious. Now we've lost our Football League status we are going to have a lot of trouble convincing the fans to come and see us. And you know what that means.
(All nod glumly. Hard times are coming, and they all want to have as big an audience as possible.)
Blaine: I think I have a solution Mr. Russell. If you will just look at the table, there are a series of heavy stone blocks with the names of all the teams in the league inscribed on them. My Lord Vader, if you will care to try and lift the one marked "Exeter City"?
(Prowse does as asked, but struggles to lift the heavy block)
Vader: The force is strong in this block. I have felt it's presence.
Blaine: Now, using my intense mental powers, I shall levitate Exeter City into a place of prominence and....
Russell: I'm sorry David, but unfortunately that won't get us back into the league, or get us a bigger crowd. Now, if you could maybe do one of your famous stunts at half time of every game, you know, like standing on a tall pole, or being frozen in ice or something then that might -
Blaine: Whoa, hold on a minute here! Those things I do, no problem, but you want me to come and watch this stupid team every week? There are some things that even David Blaine Magic Man cannot withstand, and that's one of them!
Russell: Maybe you should tell that to our Season Ticket Holders, they actually pay us to do that very thing. Never mind. Uri, do you have any thoughts?
Geller: Well, I have been harnessing the power of postive thinking and have a couple of ideas. First of all, I think we should change the club colours to be Orange, for it is a colour of powerful positivity.
Russell: I don't think the fans would stand for it.
Geller: It is a great idea though. And I will devote some of my vast mental energy towards the Marketing Director of Orange Mobile Phones to make sure we get a lucrative sponsorship deal!
Russell: We'll see about that. And your other idea?
Geller: Merchandise!
(Russell has been stirring his tea. He stops, takes the spoon out, and then looks at it suspiciously: there is a noticable kink where it had to be bent back into shape.)
Russell: What sort of merchandise?
Geller: All sorts! We are famous people with many fans, yes? Then we shall use our fame! I have a factory ready to go into full-scale production of pre-bent Exeter City Commemorative spoons for example. I'm sure Mr. Blaine won't mind us producing a special edition action figure dressed in our new orange shirt that you can recreate his stunts with. And Michael can record us some songs about the club. I believe he has already been working on some.
Jackson (sings): If you're talking about my Soccer team they used to play in Red and White!
Russell (doubtfully): I suppose it might work. We could do with a few more of your celebrity friends though.
Geller: Well there's always Keanu.
Russell: Keanu Reeves?
Geller: Yes, we met while he was filming "The Matrix". I was a special consultant for the scene where the little kid says "There is no spoon".
Russell: Really? I thought they did all that using computers!
Geller: No, they called in a real expert - me.
Russell: Right, so we're agreed then are we?
Vader: So long as no-one tells him that I'm his father.
(Meeting breaks up. Jackson starts singing in the corner while his minders go off in search of Jarvis Cocker; Geller bends the spoon in the sugar bowl; and Blaine miraculously turns Darth Vader into the Green Cross Code man.)
Prowse: So when you're defending a corner, don't forget to STOP to allow the opposition to get there first, LOOK as the attacker puts the ball in the net, and LISTEN to the jeers of the home fans.