Riggersside: part deux

By Major Bloodnok
July 18 2004

Episode 2 of the now-classic tale of tortured lives lived among the cesspits and the dregs of civilisation. Alternatively, over on Channel 4, there's Riggersside, in which some things happen and a couple of new characters are introduced.

SCENE 1: In the public bar of the Olde Dorsal Fin. The door through to the snug is firmly closed, with a large sign commanding "NO ENTRY" in large, red letters. At the bar, Major Bloodnok is helping himself to another free pint in the absence of Angel (who is in the snug, "serving"). Bedazzled and iBozz occupy two seats at the bar whilst, at a nearby table, Inspector Morse is staring intently at his newspaper as if trying to unravel a particularly fiendish crossword clue. Next to him, Lewis is staring intently at his glass of lager as if trying to work out the mechanics involved in actually drinking it. At another table, at least four Interchangeable Riggerses are arguing about something...

RIGG: Are you sayin' we shouldn'a helped him get them into dat dere big car, den, eh?
RIGG: An' warrif I am, eh? You wanna mek summat of it, eh?
RIGG: Mebbe's I do wanna mek summat of it...
RIGG: Eh, eh, eh, caaaaaalm down, caaaaaaaaalm down...

(Enter MacShark. He is carrying a large bundle of gaffer tape shaped vaguely like a shark - or is it a dolphin? There is a single Elastoplast on the misshapen lump, and we can just hear a faint hissing noise...)

MAJ B: Ah, Mac, how are things? What are you drinking?
MAC: Ach, frajits. Cloot ma reekies an' scallock yer blicks. Bigjobs! See yoo, can ye nae see ah'm haein' a problem here?
IBOZZ: Mac, do you mind?
MAC: (Spectacularly over-the-top Reithian accent) Terribly sorry, old chap. Just getting into character, don't you know? I thought it might add a little ... authenticity ... to the scene.
IBOZZ: It might, for those who speak fluent gibberish.
MAC: (Normal voice) I spent ages looking that stuff up...
DAZZ: Never mind that, how's LD-S doing?
MAC: (Looking morosely at the - now somewhat limper - bundle under his arm) Well, that's the problem: he's not responding to treatment. I've tried all sorts of remedies: Scotch, Duck, Sellotape, Bostik... but he's fading fast, I'm afraid.
MAJ B: Roofing felt?
MAC: On the tail...

SCENE 2: We move into the snug, where a variety of ladies are sat quietly around the tables. All the curtains are drawn and in one corner sits a television. The television is obviously switched on, but the screen is currently dark. The atmosphere is hushed, and all conversation is carried on in low voices. Just then, the screen brightens to display the sillhouette of a man against a light background. We cannot make out any details of his face, and his voice is slightly distorted.

ANGEL: Listen up, you lot. It's "P".
"P": 'Allo, ladies. Is ever'one present?
ANGEL: Yes, "P", we're all here.
"P": Good. Now, listen ver' carefully. I shall say zis only once... A situation 'as developed zat could be ver' bad for ze team. I 'ave got "S" working on a cover story, but it cannot be maintained for long, so you will 'ave to work quickly, mes petites.
ANGEL: So, what's going down, "P"?
"P": We 'ave raison to believe zat a miscreant 'as abducted ze Independance...
ALL: (Gasps)
CE: iBozz will be devastated.
SUE_B: All the men will be...
"P": It appears zat Sharky 'as gone renegade and 'as absconded wiz our primary morale boosters.
MADHATTER: Surely not.... SHARKY!
"P": It appears so. Your mission is to recover ze missing ladies and apprehend ze naughty cuddly shark.
ANGEL: We're ready, "P", aren't we girls?
ALL: Too right, we are!
ANGEL: OK, Ladies, burkas on. Everyone got their straw?

SCENE 3: Back in the public bar.

(Major Bloodnok takes a large pipe out of his pocket and fills it with an evil-smelling compound that may once have been tobacco. He spends the next few minutes trying to keep it alight. Meanwhile the room starts to fill up with a blue haze...)

DAZZ: (Cough) Talking of deflated, I thought Sharky was looking a bit odd at today's game.
MAJ B: (Puff, puff) Yeah, I noticed that. Sort of... rumpled.
IBOZZ: (Cough) You don't think he's caught LD-S's affliction, do you?
MAC: (Cough) See you, wee LD-S has nae bin onnywhere near yon Sharky...(cough) sorry, slipped into it again.

(Enter Strinesian Saleanian. He has recently shaved off what little hair he had and is sporting a bright green rugby shirt. For the purposes of the plot, he bears a striking resemblance to Keith Wood.)

(The blue haze is getting thicker, now)

STRINE: (Cough) Evening, all.
MAJ B: (Puff, puff) Evening Stralian... Strilease... Strontium... Strines. What's your poison?
STRINE: (Putting on a bad Oirish brogue) (Cough) Oi'll be havin' a drop o' de black stuff, if yer please, Major.
DAZZ: (Cough) You're looking very.... Woody... this evening, Strines.
STRINE: (Cough) Ah, now, ye see. De ting is dat yer man Woody had bin booked ter open a local hairdressers dis very evenin', but den yer BBC come along an' offered him a guest spot on Question o' Sport the very same night.
IBOZZ: (Cough) Double-book a hooker...
STRINE: (Cough) Exactly. So, in order not ter let down the good folk at the salon, Oi offered me services as a stand-in. No-one'll notice the difference.
MAC: (Cough) Ah'm sure they willnae...
STRINE: (Cough) Anyways, Oi t'ought Oi'd pop in here jus' fer a bit o' lubrication afore me starrin' role...

(He wanders over to a table near the wall and sits with his back to the bar - serving to increase his resemblance to Mr K. Wood, a fact enhanced by the severely reduced visibility in the bar.)

(At this point, the door to the snug bursts open, and a dozen ladies in combat burkas and clutching drinking straws march into the public bar. As they pass by, one of the Riggerses looks curiously at the red and black badge borne proudly on each burka. For a brief moment, this particular Riggers's face takes on a look of wistful longing...)

DAZZ: (Grasping the bar for support) Oh, be still my quaking heart!

(The Sharks Imperial Bodyguard - for it is they - assemble in front of the bar. They all stand to rigid attention, like a dozen five-foot tall beer barrels - and approximately the same shape, too. All, that is, except for CE, who keeps glancing in the direction of Strinesian Saleanian. The blue haze is by now a real pea-souper.)

ANGEL: (Cough) Right, listen up... hang on a mo. (sotto voce) Now, we were in there about 45 minutes... (normal voice) Major, I hope you've paid for those six pints...

(Major Bloodnok puts on his best "Wot? Me, ref?" look)

ANGEL: OK, ladies, we've got our instructions, you know your roles, now let's get - FOR GOODNESS' SAKE! I can't see a bloody thing in here! Open the window, someone.

(Someone opens all the windows and the doors and the haze begins to clear.)

ANGEL: Now, as I was saying...
SUE_B: (Looking around) Errrr, Cap'n? Where's CE?
IBOZZ: Come to that, Strines has gone and (dramatic pause) he's left half a pint of Guinness undrunk...

(Theme music up)

What has happened to Independance? Where have CE and Strinesian Saleanian gone? Is there something significant about the Riggerses argument at the beginning of this episode? Has the author got any clue where these plotlines are going? Why wasn't the drum in it this week? All these questions and many more will probably be ignored in the next episode of.... Riggersside, an ordinary tale of simple rugby folk.

No inflatable DolphinSharks were harmed in the making of this episode, although a couple of regional accents got pretty badly mutilated.

The part of Bedazzled was played this week by Jonny Depp.

Script consultants: Strinesian Saleanian, sue b and Angel Shark.