The Madness of Riggersside III

By Major Bloodnok
July 18 2004

Greed! Politics! Betrayal! 1,000 elephants! These are just some of the myriad splendours that have no part in this week's episode of Riggersside: a simple tale of simpletons.

SCENE: We pick up the action from last time. The SIB are gathered in the pubic bar, resplendent in their dayglo combat burkas. A group of Riggerses are arguing around a table (apart from one, who is looking towards the SIBs with a wistful expression). Morse and Lewis sit at another table: Morse is swaying gently. iBozz, Bedazzled and Bloodnok stand at the bar, looking in shock toward a now-unoccupied table bearing a half-empty glass of Guinness. The former occupant of this table is the subject of much astonished chatter.

DAZZ: It's not like Strattian... Streetiode.... Strabi- .... Strines to leave a half-full a glass behind.
IBOZZ: Or a half-empty one. Normally, he brings his special sponge-onna-stick so that he can get to the bits in the corners.
MAJ B: It's a mystery, certainly. First, Sharky goes berserk and kidnaps Independance, then, just as the SIB are about to leap into action, CE goes missing, and then we notice that Strines has disappeared in suspicious circumstances.
DAZZ: Thank you, Major, for reminding everyone of the plot.
MAJ B: We've got to fill the time somehow. And, anyway, some people have short memories. Speaking of short...

ANGEL: (Annoyed) We haven't got time for this. Our first priority has to be rescuing Independance. CE is a big girl now --
ALL: True, true.
ANGEL: -- and is quite capable of looking after herself. That Jedi rolling pin of hers is deadly.

(A pained expression takes over the faces of all the men in the bar as they reflect on this truth)

ANGEL: Right ladies! Straws to the fore! We are on a mission from "P". Byyyyyyyyy the right.....

(The SIB march out of the bar. The marching chant of "Say! Ul! Say! Ul!" acts as a contralto counterpoint to the crunch of hobnailed mules. Unnoticed by everyone else, one of the Riggerses gets up and follows them.)

IBOZZ: (Wiping a small tear from the corner of his eye) It does a heart good to see it...
DAZZ: (Clutching his chest) It's not doing my heart much good at the moment.

(Morse gets up carefully from his table and wanders over to the bar.)

MORSE: Apother nint of Strangstottlers, if you would be so kind.
(Major B pours a pint of Stoatstranglers and hands it to him.)
MORSE: Thag yew. Now, woss'iss about a pair of pi...missing persons?
IBOZZ: Well, first, there's Strines...
MORSE: Anything special about him?
DAZZ: He was doing a very good impersonation of Keith Wood.
MORSE: Weith Kood, right. An' the other one?
MAJ B: That would be Keith Wood's greatest fan, CE - she's got Keith Wood wallpaper, Keith Wood bed linen and even a Keith Wood bra.
IBOZZ: It's clever the way they worked the bald head in...
MORSE: So, we've got one missing Keith Wood lookalike, and one missing Keith Wood fetishist.
IBOZZ: That's about the size of it.
MORSE: So, no obvious connection between the two disappearances, then. LEWIS!
(Lewis looks up from his untouched pint of lager.)
MORSE: Oh, never mind.
DAZZ: Morse, have you discovered anything more about the cad who attacked my drum?
MORSE: Drum? Oh, that. No. Mussa been some cad. Bloody clever cad, mind you. No clues, no clues at all... (Morse's head falls forward on to the bar. We hear the faint sound of snoring.)
DAZZ: Pity. I had hoped that we could bring the miscreant to justice. Still, the good news is that the drum has been repaired and is currently safely tucked away in the cellar with the beer barrels.
MAJ B: iBozz, I've just noticed that the Stoatstranglers is nearly out. Would you come and help me change the barrel?
IBOZZ: Certainly, Major.

(They leave for the beer cellar. Morse very slowly slips sideways along the bar, until he eventually falls off and lands with a loud thump on the floor. The snoring sound continues unabated throughout this process.)

(iBozz and Major B return from the beer cellar.)

MAJ B: Right. That's the barrel changed, then.
IBOZZ: Yep. We certainly gave that barrel a good changing, and no mistake.

(The door bursts open and Independance come dancing into the bar - there is another loud thud, which turns out to be Bedazzled, overcome with emotion. They are followed by the SIB with a trussed-up Sharky. Numerous bendy straws are poking out of Sharky's head at odd angles. We also notice that the ranks of the SIB appear to have swelled by one: another burka is being worn by someone in a shell suit. A shell suit, moreover, that is itself covered entirely in autographs of Chris Rhys Jones.)

IBOZZ: Well done, ladies. That was quick.
SUE B: It was simple, really. Angel noted that Sharky had attempted to escape by car right after the game.
MAJ B: Ah, I see...
MADH: Yes, all we had to do was wander down the road past the traffic queue until we caught up with them. Then it was a simple matter of overpowering the fiend and bringing everyone back.

(They haul Sharky forward to the bar, so that he is finally standing with his back to us. Everyone else clusters around in anticipation.)

ANGEL: Right, let's see who's behind this...

(She reaches up and pulls Sharky's false head off, to varied cries of astonishment: "Cor!", "Strewth", "Who'd of thought it?", "Well, beggar me sideways with a broomstick!", etc.)

(Theme music up, and under...)

What has become of CE and Strines? Will Morse ever solve a case? Will the action ever move out of the pub? These questions and more -

(Door bangs open and MacShark strides in.)

MAC: Grabjats! Flet yer muckle an' - Oh, hello Dimes, what you doing here? - scrad yer bladget, Bigjobs. Exactly who is in charge o' the bluddy continuity on this show? Last week, ah wuz standin' at the bar at the end, and this week, ah'm no even in the bluddy pub. It's a shambles-
ALL: Oh, shut up!

(Theme music back up.)

The part of Bruce Wayne was played by Diane Keaton.

Bendy straws kindly donated by the Sucko Bendy Straw Company, Ltd.