Riggersside episode IV: A New Dope

By Major Bloodnok
July 18 2004

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... It is a period of civil war. Rebel ships, striking from their secret base, have scored their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. Meanwhile, back on Earth...

SCENE: A bit later than it was earlier on. The bar has now mostly cleared, leaving iBozz, Major Bloodnok, Bedazzled (now recovered from his swoon) and Angel Shark gathered together at the bar. Angel's gaze wanders between the other three and the beer pumps - there is a look of intense suspicion on her face. Morse lies slumped in a chair in the corner, whilst Lewis fans him ineffectually with a soggy beer mat.

DAZZ: So, it was all part of a secret plot to get Independance down to Watford?
ANGEL: Yes, after they saw all the new signings we'd made, they had to do something drastic to scupper our chances next year, and they felt that this was a way of taking the lads' minds off the job in hand.
IBOZZ: And, of course, they would reap the benefits themselves...
MAJ B: A good thing the SIB were on hand, then.

(The door opens and Strinesian Saleanian enters. His clothes are shredded and he walks with a shambling, bow-legged gait.)

MAJ B: Good grief, Striddy... Stroppy... SS, what happened to you? You look like you couldn't stop a pig in a corridor.
STRINES: (Falsetto) It's a... (cough) well, it's long... (cough, cough) (normal voice) long story...
DAZZ: Well, let's hear it, then. We've got a whole episode to fill before the next major plotline starts.

(They all move over to nearby table and sit down.)

STRINES: (Falsetto) I was sitting... (cough) (normal voice) I was sitting over there, practising my soft Oirish brogue, when I felt a hand grab me by the collar and haul me outside...
OTHERS: Oooooh...
STRINES: I couldn't see who had hold of me, on account of being face-down as I was being dragged...

(At this point, Morse's ears perk up, and he starts to take an interest in the conversation.)

STRINES: Funny thing is, whoever it was kept rubbing me 'ead with their other hand.
IBOZZ: Obviously some sort of fetishist.

(Morse joins them at the table.)

MORSE: Ah, now, that's exactly what I would expect the untrained amateur to conclude. The professional, however, looks beyond the obvious. Notice how the victim's shaved head is covered in a coarse stubble - we are obviously looking for someone with a severe itch on one hand. Don't you agree, Lewis? Of course you do, now shut up.
ANGEL: (Glaring at Morse) Go on, Strines.
STRINES: Next thing I know I'm being dragged down an alley and dumped unceremoniously on the ground. Then whoever grabbed me must have sat on me, because suddenly I couldn't breathe.
MAJ B: So, did you recognise your attacker?
STRINES: No. There was a bright light in my eyes from the other end of the alley, so everything was in silhouette. Anyway, then this voice said, "You're not him. You're an imposter!" I tried to explain, but they whipped out this glowing green.... rolling pin... and it sort of went "whuummm, whuummm" though the air. Then everything went black and I woke up like this.
ANGEL: Hmmmmmmm....

(Enter madhatter. She is sporting a hairstyle that owes more to Salvador Dali than to Vidal Sassoon. The colours on their own would be bad enough, but the spikes contrive to add a touch of the macabre to the whole affair.)

ANGEL: Bloody hell, Hats. What happened to you?
MADH: It was horrible. I was just walking past that new hairdressers down the road, when a guy leapt out the door, dragged me inside and strapped me to a chair. Then he did this!
IBOZZ: That's terrible.
MORSE: I suspect a connection between these two attacks...
MADH: The funny thing is, while he was perming and waxing and colouring, he kept calling me "Nicole".
DAZZ: How peculiar.
MORSE: Ah, it's obvious what's happened. We have a psychopathic hairdresser on the loose. Having been foiled in his evil designs by Strines's bald head, he went on to attack young madhatter, here. I suggest that everyone be issued with bald wigs to forestall further unpleasantness.
STRINES: But I'm already bald!
MORSE: Then wear a bald wig... with hair on.

MAJ B: (Stage whisper) Dear reader, you can tell that we're scraping the barrel when we have to start recycling old Goon Show scripts...

MADH: I'm not so sure. Anyway, what I came in to tell you was that I just saw CE down the road. She had a really funny look in her eyes, and her Jedi rolling pin was glowing and making that "whuummm, whuummm" noise.
MORSE: And what, precisely, does that have to do with the attack on Strines?
MADH: ...?
ANGEL: What about CE?
MADH: Oh, yeah. I'm worried. She had that determined look on her face that says that there's going to be some serious damage done to a large G & T. And you know what happens after that...
ALL: (Shudder)

(Enter MacShark)

MAC: Bigjobs! Craddle yer mankits an' splut yer adgies. D'yer know tha' the offy doon the road has been done over?
IBOZZ: What? Ranjit's boozery? What happened?
MAC: Apparently, someone marched in, threw all the customers oot the door and ransacked the place.
DAZZ: Poor Ranjit. How much was taken?
MAC: Tha's the funny thing, tha noo. Five bottles o' gin and crate o' tonic...

(Music up)

Is there a connection between the two attacks, or is madhatter's hair style nothing more than an in joke with a life expectancy slightly shorter than a mayfly's? Will Strinesian Saleanian every be able to look a puff pastry in the face again? Tune in next time, for more exciting revelations...

Madhatter's hair piece was played by Nicole Kidman.