...... and so, ''The Coarseway'': Wasps away,

By acoi
September 11 2005

I finally get served, and the pub landlord gives me a very strange look when I ask him to charge me three quid for a watery pint - I explain, they don't struggle with the concept in Wycombe.

Three such pints rest uneasily on a dodgy pie the dog would have left, but authenticity continues to elude me, even when indigestion doesn't.

I try walking half a mile in the drizzle past tasteless semis to a faceless concrete industrial unit, but there is no 'buzz' or 'hubbub'. I have the look but not the feel of Swaps temporary home. Perhaps if I nip in the newsagent's to ask if he’ll sell me a picture of Dayglo 'basket weaving' for two pounds fifty? His blank stare tells me it’s just not working. You just can’t recreate the real thing!
I stumble home, and in a last futile effort to evoke some matchday atmosphere I get the missus frying onions in rancid chip fat and talk 'at' her of Lewis's red mists and of the meritorious Sam Vesty's misfortune. It is to no avail.

Two more pints, then, just to ensure I have to get up at least twice during the first half, and into the welcoming arms of our sofa for the manifold delights of murdochvision. Atmosphere or no, at least I’ll get to see the game.

Wagner's, ''The Ride of the Valkyre'' accompanies the players from their dressing rooms, possibly prophetic for this clash of the Titanic, and it is indeed no less than God, or, at least Mother Nature, who turns this game into one of two 53/80ths and 27/80ths.

Referee Dave Pearson gets the action underway with Andy Goode, hot on the heels of a stuttering performance against Stains, putting boot to leather in what will prove to be a sterling imitation of a Phoenix, but cruel in it's misfortune. This is not too apparent, however, when his first attempt to divide the posts from a drop kick drifts wide following a scrappy Tigers' scrum from a Swaps knock on from the kick off, the ensueing ruck setting him up with space enough. By three minutes, though, he is back on the rails and Tigers are 3 - nil up from a penalty by O'Connor for failing to roll away, and he doesn't look back. Geordan had tapped the ball through from the 22 drop out and Swaps ran it into touch, the lineout and field play bringing the offence.

Murphy clears the restart to touch near Swaps 40 metre line, but a maul from the lineout leads to two further phases of good back play as Tigers' defence is split by Tom Rees to score under the posts with but 5 minutes gone. He's slipped a Moreno tackle and two lunges, but it was the first of many slips of foot that created the gap, this time Daryl Gibson muddying his shorts. The conversion is a formality for Mark Van Ginsbergen who hasn't missed a kick all season, and interestingly he qualifies to play for England from tomorrow [co-incidentally, Tom Rees 21st. birthday]. 7 - 3.

Good work by Tigers is almost undone as a long Goodey pass is almost intercepted by Sackey with the try line beckoning, but it is Tom Varndell who gathers the loose ball, his chip being run into touch by Swaps on their 10 metre line. An accidental offside from a ruck stalls a strong attack, gifting Swaps the ball which Alex King clears to touch beyond Tigers' 40 metre line. A maul from the lineout gives Harry a kick over the top, which, as is to happen far too often throughout the game courtesy of this vastly overworked and infuriating tactic, gifts Swaps the ball despite good following up, but the ensueing pass from Alex King, undoubtedly due to Tigers pressure, goes astray, and is intercepted by a fleet-footed Tom Varnell who is momentarily placing the ball neatly twixt Swaps' posts, with all of eight minutes gone. The simple conversion does Andy's confidence no harm. 7 - 10.

An exchange of kicks, with Goodey doing exceptionally under pressure, leads to Harry Ellis getting caught on halfway, but Simon Shaw is offside there, as he is again a minute later at the ruck following a good take from Ben Kay in the lineout, but this time within relatively easy kicking distance. 7 - 13, with twelve minutes gone. Goodey goodey gum drops!

It is still an exciting mix of skill, tension, graft and some errors, like an over elaborate Tigers' lineout called 'not straight', but there is mixed in there too much kicking for my taste, and just such a hoof from Van Ginsbergen's own try line gives Andy Goode the ball just in his own half - joyously he goes on angled run through the opposing defence; not so joyously Leon Lloyd clears Joe Worsley out of the way to give Andy room. 17 minutes have elapsed, and Mark is happy to make it 10 -13.

Geordan is playing his usual high quality game at full back, working well with Goodey behind this eclectic mix of proper play [not, though, the crooked lineout throw or the penalty Leo Cullen gave in their half for pulling down in the lineout] and hoofing, but it is in receiving such a hoof Murph fumbles and knocks on his catch. From the Swaps scrum near our 40 metre line Alex King again breaks through our defence as again Daryl Gibson slips, leaving a gap for Paul Sackey to receive the ball in. Goodey closes down this gap by taking out Sackey, conceding the penalty. From the swaps lineout ensueing, they again make holes in our defence, and we again give away a penalty for not rolling away. The threat of a yellow card is becoming real, and with 23 minutes gone van Ginsbergen makes it count - 13 to 13.

From the kick off, good play by Swaps is spoiled by an Alex King knock on, and from the scrum Martin Corry's charge persuades Joe Worsley it's worth putting his hand in the forming ruck. It is not. It is 13 - 16. Andy and Mark are masterful.

By 27 minutes it's all square again, though, and worse, it is Shane Jennings who is shown the yellow card more for the cumulative efforts of the team than holding on to Jonny O'Connor in the tackle on our 22, particularly as Jonny still had hold of the ball. Mark v G obliged with the kick to 16 - 16.

Swaps play the ball well from the restart, and from a ruck hoof the ball upfield. Murphy takes it to ground and takes a kick on the head from Fraser Waters as the Swap falls full length on top of him. Geordan does not move, but play is not stopped. I cannot say if there is momentary concern and confusion amongst the Tigers therabouts, but Waters gets up again, passes the ball left to Tom Rees, who eludes Ellis's tackle and two lungers to score again to his left of the posts. With the impeccable Mark van Ginsberg's kick a formality it is 23 -16 after half an hour.

Austin Healy comes on as blood replacement for Geordan [who will reappear after half time], and some good play is followed by two knock on scrums, the second to Swaps, some Oz / Abbott handbags, and a Swaps penalty for Tigers coming into the side of the ruck. At the subsequent lineout near Tigers' 40 m, the ball is tapped back by Swaps, but to no-one in particular. Harry Ellis breaks through, hacks the ball on and outpaces Sackey to score, getting a bloody nose in the process. Andy scores the two extra points, it's 23 -23 after 35 minutes, and my pen packs it's bags, leaving me for a Baah!f supporter and a quieter life. Matt Cornwell comes on as Harry's blood replacement till half time.

More engrossing play up to half time produced no more scores, but when Swaps wheeled our scrum on 36 minutes, it predestined the half time substitution of Michael Holford by Julian White, from which our scrum seemed to benefit. From the reversed scrum, though, Eoin Reddan made a blindside break to within a squeak of scoring, but his pass was knocked on. Jennings returned to level scores, as he had departed if you don't count his penalty. A crossfield kick almost let Swaps in, but Matt Cornwell gathered to touch, and Jonny O'Connor was pinged by the T.J. for 'a bit of stick' on our 5 metre line just on the cusp.

Some good play from both teams is the rugged entertainment before us, with Goodey drawing first blood, converting a 43rd. minute penalty from the touchline. However, 46 minutes sees a Swaps penalty and a Tom Rees injury. The two are unconnected. Tom Rees has a suspected cracked fibula and is replaced by John Hart, the penalty is for offside, and the scores are locked again at 26 -26. Peter Bracken replaces Jon Dawson, Ben Gotting comes on for Raphael Ibanez, and Louis Deacon takes Leo Cullen's place.

This fine spell continues, though kicking over rush defences largely loses possession, so why do it? A Tigers scrum on the halfway causes Ben Gotting to stand up, giving us a 48th. minute penalty. Goodey steps up, kicks, his standing foot slips forwards, redness appears on all four of his cheeks, and, needless to say, Swaps clear the ball.

At fifty minutes, Matt Dawson replaces scrum half Eoin Reddan, but this is clearly a Swaps ploy to keep their young scrum half dry, for on 53 minutes the heavens open and all English cricket fans' prayers are answered. This game, though, despite both teams best efforts, suffers, and never again recovers.

Paul Sackey almost gifts us a try by kicking the ball to his own try line trying to prevent it going into touch, but Swaps irrepressible kicker just gets to it first, giving us a five yard scrum. Here you decide to applaud or condemn our captain's decision, but three times Swaps give a penalty, no times does the ref' award a penalty try or hand out a card, three times we reset the scrum despite the penalty being eminently kickable. From the last, Martin breaks from the back of the scrum only to be stopped from a certain try by an excellent Alex King tackle, the wet ball is spilled, and the points go a-begging. 56 minutes are on the clock.

Harry Ellis is keen. On 58 minutes he's too keen. He's kicked the ball out of the back of the Swaps scrum in his impatience and given away a penalty on the half way line. Mark van Ginsbergen is going to see if he too can slip on his bum, but fails, scoring the 3 points by which Swaps now lead.

Personnel changes are becoming a little blurred now, for I'm not being given the information. On 61 minutes Luke Abrahams comes on, I don't know who for but I hear nothing of Shane Jennings therafter. At some point Oz comes back on, and Ross Broadfoot appears at fly half. Goodey is still on, but I hear no more of Daryl Gibson, Geordan is still on, so your guess is as good as mine.

Andy Goodes gremlins are not done with him yet. He makes a superb break with Alex Tuilagi at his right shoulder, their full back goes for Alex so Andy cuts inside with the try line at his mercy, but as he side steps his footing goes again and his moment of glory is snatched from his grasp, as is the ball. Conditions are worsening. On 67 minutes Simon Shaw makes way for Mark Lock, and at some point Raphael Ibanez and Jon Dawson return to the fray. On 70 minutes Andy Goode is granted his chance to feel better and takes it, putting over a penalty from the centre at 30 metres which is from another instance of Swaps front row standing up in the scrum - clearly someone's been heavy on the garlic. 29 -29.

With 8 minutes to go Swaps are camped on Leicester's line and shaping for an Alex King drop goal, but Tigers are closing him down very well, so that when his attempt is finally pumped way off target Oz catches it, only to be caught in-goal for a home 5 metre scrum. A Tigers' penalty relieves the pressure, though, as Swaps go off their feet in the scrum.

The last minute of the game brings Tigers a chance to win, some would say steal, the game, as room is made for Andy Goode to slot a drop goal. The same low lifes who've made him slip twice at crucial moments make it three in a row, edging the ball a foot wide. That is the end of the matter. It has been a game with almost everything, cracking entertainment with all things Tigers and a creditable draw away to this country's perpetual runners-up, and whilst I may have missed the atmosphere, I've also missed the trudge home through the sheeting rain. Sometimes, you have to smile!