Bath Tubs - The Fat Boy Sevens

By Jim Carter
August 5 2006

The Bath cast: Andy R, Bath Fan Stuck In Glos, Tim (BFSIL), Robbinho, Ken Jnr, Boy, Redneck, Gussie, Huxster, Rich L. AliBev, Crippsy, Damo, Ginger Rich, Roly, Crusoe, Fritz. So how did they get on?

The day started with the Tubs sitting out the first game and watching our ‘nearest and dearest’ rivals (in terms of skill and determination), Leeds Lardies and the Bristol Pasty Eaters, both on the end of thumpings, with both teams failing to get on the score sheet.

Determined to show them how it was done, The Tubs took to the field for their first game, with probably their strongest line-up (supposedly!) to face Jason Leopards, a team of very thin ‘fatboys’ wearing some strangely coloured quartered shirt, that did seem strangely familiar from a dim and distant past …

Not on the score sheet, but still in touch, at the end of the first half, The Tubs put up stiff resistance, for a while at least. But the multi-coloured ones clearly meant business and their notebook wielding coach, barking orders from the sidelines, soon had them running in tries for fun, with a total disregard for some of the real Fat Boys. The Leopards eventually won 38 – not a lot, well, nothing in fact.

Meanwhile, the Pasty Eaters had taken another sound beating by the Lardies losing 31 – 0.

Next up for the Tubs were Paiceys Pot Bellied Pigs, a team who hailed from Newbury, and were even more ‘challenged’ in the waist line department than the Leopards – Fatboys, my (fat) arse!

The game started in a friendly manner, with Crippsy taking a most unnecessary hand off, further blackening an already black eye, as a rather ‘pacey’ not bellied pig went over to open Newbury’s account. Redneck had an opportunity to get one back, but apparently ‘didn’t have the legs’ to make it to the line. In reality, Redneck did actually later confess that he found being in so much space rather alarming, so pulled up to look for contact.

A couple of scores down, already, but still hopeful, the Tubs were then hit by a devastating blow, which changed the game completely. Rich L, was mowed down most unceremoniously (about a week and a half after he had off loaded the ball), and failed to get up again from the tackle. Play continued, well, from one side at least, and a minute later the ‘Not so Pot Bellied but Pacey Pigs’ ran in unopposed, amidst mucho celebrations from the scorer. A try that certainly didn’t win them any friends from the supporters and players of other teams.

Play was then finally held up, while the hapless Rich L was treated on the field and then carted off to hospital with suspected cruciate damage. With their minds clearly on their luckless team mate, it was game over for the Tubs and when play resumed, Newbury ran riot and won 52 – 0. Lots of tries, but not so many friends!

Rich did later return to the camp, having missed the afternoon rainstorm, crutchless and still smiling, and apparently with ‘soft tissue’ damage, so not as serious as thought – although he did also have a nasty grass burn on the other knee!

Next up was the much-awaited local derby, Tubs v Pasty Eaters. Prior to the game, there did seem to be much talk and laughter between the 2 sides…… ummmm…. Something amiss me thinks!

The Pasty Eaters took to the field and performed their, now famous, Haka, lots of ‘ooh arrs’, the cheerleaders also took to the field and provided something a little more aesthetically pleasing to look at. The Tubs greeted the Haka stood in a semi circle and the challenge was duly accepted in true Brian O’ Driscoll style, although it was more of a sod of earth that was thrown over the shoulder rather than a blade of grass! The Haka finished with an unsuspected water pistol/pom-pom attack on the Tubs by the Pasty Eating cheerleaders. And then, as the clock struck 12, the battle commenced (actually it was about 13.10, but that doesn’t sound nearly as dramatic!).

The first lineout saw Bristol bring out their secret weapons, a trampoline from which the Hooker threw in the ball and a stepladder for the catcher, a ruse which the Pasty Eaters had clearly practised and improved on from last year as they did actually win the ball. Ah ha! So there had been PRACTISE then, clearly against the rules.

But this possession did them little good and it wasn’t long before Bath Fan Stuck In Glos, provided a scoring pass (eventually!!) to Gussie who touched down in the corner to open our account. The conversion was missed, just (by about 16 feet), but did at least get off the ground! 5 – 0 to the Tubs.

Then the unthinkable happened and after a scintillating solo run, Bram scored a converted try for Bristol - Bram was of course immediately substituted for daring to cross the ‘whitewash’ and reprimanded by Chilly Mick the Bristol coach. 5 – 7 to the Pasty Eaters. Andy R squandered an excellent opportunity to take the lead with a juggle… another juggle and finally a knock-on with what would have been a short unopposed run in for glory.

Crippsy wasn’t quite so crap, however and took charge with a long range(ish) try to restore the lead for the Tubs and take the score to 10 – 7. Gussie performed a kick, chase, catch and ‘get mullered’ in the tackle and left the field soon afterwards in need of oxygen and finally Redneck made up for his effort (or lack of it!) earlier in the day, to score a not so long range try, which turned out to be the winning score. Half time score 15 – 7 to the Tubs.

The second half saw the kick off being gathered by a Pasty Eater, who rose unchallenged like a salmon on acid, plucked the ball from the air and charged (slight poetic licence) up field. Managing to remain on his feet, a maul developed, with the Pasty Eaters in possession and before you could say “Oh look a maul in sevens, can’t wait to tell the missus about this’n”, all 14 players had joined in…. then all the subs ….and then all the cheerleaders!

The 30 man (and woman) maul trundled towards the Tubs' try line…. the try line came…. The try line went…… as the maul continued onto a training area and then onto a second pitch where another game was taking place.

The Flatulent Fairies and Arabian Knights joined in the fun and caused a scary moment as they briefly even dared to push, thus hindering the advance toward the bar, but the pause was only brief and on it trundled, down the full length of the second pitch.

The Ref managed to keep up with play and kept the maul going, shouting constant instructions, ‘Number 6 you’re off side’ ‘must join from the back no 34’ ‘keep it moving lads, no truck and trailer’ and finally Jim H peeled off the back to score in the corner for the Pasty Eaters. (Humph!!! Don’t remember that being part of the agreement!). The conversion was successful and also the final kick of the game, score 15 – 14 to the Tubs. 7 minute, 45 man rolling maul – not bad for a game of 7’s – someone call Norris McWotnot!

The last game saw the Tubs playing the Lardies – the heavens opened, which at least did wash some of the blood from the pitch! The Tubs began in determined mood and a kick ahead from Gussie was chased by Andy R and Bath Fan Stuck In Glos, Andy R made the tackle and BFSIG, just held off sufficiently to tidy up and score under the posts. The conversion bounced agonisingly off the cross bar 5 – 0.

The second half saw a long range try from Tim – from the distance of the touch line, and through the rain, there were those who were doubting he would make it, but I always had faith and he evaded the last ditch attempt at a tackle to claim a 5 pointer. They were a good bunch, so the Tubs did allow the Lardies to score a late consolation try, but victory belonged to the West Country boys..

BATH 10 LEEDS 5 – Don’t get many of ‘em to the pound!!

And then………. Well what followed is another story…………

As they say, what goes on tour………… (and, yes, that DOES include the alleged photos!).

Many thanks to the cheerleaders, Stir Crazy, G&T, Annie Blackthorn, the Crippsy party, the Beavens and the Lovells – we couldn’t have done it without you - we actually didn’t manage it with you, but your support was much appreciated!

Also a special mention to the heroic deeds of Redneck who played on through the pain with a broken shin bone for the good of the team, should have avoided the contact though Phil!