How Would You Describe Him?

By Clive Banks
June 7 2003

Many years ago when ERE was published as a magazine we used to include, what we thought were, funny articles and for those of you who never saw the original ERE we have reproduced an updated version of a piece we wrote about describing players in the press.

Why is it that the vast majority of rugby writers have difficulty in simply mentioning a players name in a report? Instead, they always seem to prefix the name with a adjective describing the player. Hence, instead of reading about " Olly Barkley" we are reminded he is "young Olly Barkley". Similarly, England's most capped player is now referred to as "the veteran Leonard". Here's a number of additional prefixes and what the writers really mean by them.

Volatile - he's French

Cultured - he's once visited the Millennium Dome

Educated - reads the Daily Mail

Good on the right - reads the Daily Mail

Blinkered - reads the Daily Mail

Consistent - crap in "every" game

Loyal - played for the same club for more than a season

Legendary - played for the same club for two seasons

Well travelled - will play for anyone who will pay him

Mature - smells a bit cheesy after a few scrums

Streetwise - regularly found drunk in the gutter after matches

Diminutive - short arse

Combative - regularly sin binned

Bath Captain - regularly sin binned

Dynamic - runs around like a headless chicken

Low centre of gravity - overweight

Powerhouse - clumsy

Enigmatic - no one will pass the ball to him

Enigmatic - he's a nutter

Solid - thick as a brick

Lethal Finisher - should be shot

Experienced - aged over 25

Promising - still crap

Mercurial - no one's got a clue what he might do next - even himself

Versatile - hopeless in every position

Athletic - always wears his support

Willing - but not able

Crowd Pleaser - swings both ways

Good All Round Footballer - so shouldn't be playing rugby!

If you have any other examples of prefixes why not post them on the messageboard.