Harley Quin's Final Words On The Lions

Regrets? Never!
By Harley Quin
July 13 2005

You'll notice I didn't send in my ramblings to Glen The Ed as usual last weekend. Mainly because I felt it wasn't the time for a bit of frivolous levity following the awful atrocities in London but also I couldn't stop my head from shaking in total disbelief after watching the Lions.

Many of us predicted a 3-0 All Black-wash before the tour started but we still sat in front of the tele, half in hope, half in expectation of a Lions' victory. There have been many debates about the rights and wrongs of the tour, particularly around the likes of Woody's contribution, the large number of players and coaches and the overall cost. Here's my perspective.

Any tour by the Lions should be kept as a celebration of five great rugby nations - England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales and the opponents, whether they be New Zealand, Australia or South Africa. It shouldn't try to compete with any other competition but instead should attempt to retain the spirit that made these tours so great in the past. In essence this series of fixtures should be seen in the same light as the Barbarians with the aim of producing exciting, fast and open play geared towards showcasing rugby as one of the greatest sports of Earth.

All players should be guaranteed to play at least one game a week, which should see the need for a much smaller squad, with players sharing rooms with blokes they hardly know. So many people were invited to tour that at one stage I looked out my passport in case the Wooden Knight game me a tinkle. What are my skills to tour with the Lions you may ask? Absolutely zero, so as you will see I was highly qualified.

The backroom staff should be limited to what is required to reasonably run such a tour: Tour Manager, Head Coach, Forwards/Backs coaches, physio team plus a bloke to rub tired legs and carry the bags. In essence no more support than a Premiership Team require to run an English club season.

As this is a tour of players from four nationalities each country should be "properly and honestly" represented in all the Test matches, without one country dominating. If this means the Test team is slightly under strength then so be it. Scotland may be weak at present but to (almost) ignore them throughout the tour is an insult to that nation and the ethos of the Lions. We can save the "win at all cost" mentality for the national games and World Cup: a Lions Tour is bigger and better than that. I hesitate to say it's there purely to encompass the Corinthian spirit but will the youngsters of today grow up to dream of their "blue remembered hills" in the same way that I still think of the great Lions' teams of 30+ years ago? There's no irony in the fact that the London bid won mainly on the message of not forgetting the Olympics is all about sport and everything else should be secondary.

Players will be expected to get bladdered after every match with one either flashing his arse, swigging aftershave, nicking the trophy etc after each Test match. The skipper should be the most famous bloke on tour and the coaches should be more or less anonymous to anyone except for rugby supporters.

When touring New Zealand again they too will have some limitations to even things up. Firstly they have to pick players who are genuine New Zealanders, unless they are prepared to change their team name to South Sea Islanders. Secondly any New Zealand backs with the physique of a forward and the pace of Jason Gardener will be blindfolded and have one leg tied behind their backside. If that doesn't stop them from scoring they will be made to run backwards in addition to the above conditions. If that doesn't work they will be removed from the pitch and all points they score deleted from the total. If that doesn't result in a Lions' victory then I think it's fair to say the best team won! 

Krek Brizle - Hey what's this I've read that Bristol have dropped the Shoguns name and will now be known as Bristol Rugby. Isn't there something in the Trades Descriptions Act to stop this sort of thing? Still perhaps this will mean more supporters turn up in the future as the people of Bristol realise they're going to see a game of rugby rather than some martial arts competition. I went down the bookies yesterday to see whether I could place a £10 bet on them not averaging over 10,000 for every home game (excluding the local derbies) and he offered to pay out in adavnce.

The Honour of Football - It's good to see those honourable gentleman who kick the round ball for a living maintaining their low standards. "His name is Rio" demands £120,000 a week against an offer of £110,000 without realising there are quite a few people paying to watch him who only earn one week's difference of his claim in a whole year! All this after United carried on paying his wages and bonuses after being banned for eight months for failing to attend a drug test. The best thing Alex Ferguson could do for his club, football and sport in general is to withdraw all offers and say "On yer bike son". I think they could do with Andrew Brownsword managing their affairs.

See you soon.