A Genuinely True Conversation*
By Tom Bason
July 1 2010
Day One of West Bromwich Albion's pre-season training, and Eddie Newton visits Roberto Di Matteo in his office...
Roberto Di Matteo: Hey Eddie. Welcome back to training. Have a mug of finest Italian coffee and sit down and admire my finest Italian suit. I slept through the World Cup. I assume my beloved Italians, a team of rare poise and grace are now World Champions?
Eddie Newton: Erm, no. They drew with New Zealand and were knocked out in the group stage
RDM: In that case, it must be England who are world champions. Managed by an Italian, how could they fail?
EN: We drew with Algeria and were battered by Germany
RDM: Ah, Germany, a fine nation. I never really liked Italy anyway. I, of course, was born in Switzerland, in 1987
EN: You were born in 1970 Boss
RDM: Yes, in 1987. Switzerland are the World Cup winners. It all makes sense now
EN: Actually, they only scored once and lost in the group stage
RDM: The World Cup? Who cares about that? We need to start concentrating on our Premier League season. I feel we need some Premiership experience. Which teams got relegated?
EN: Portsmouth, Burnley and Hull
RDM: Hmm, Let's not bother with Portsmouth, they finished bottom so their players must be rubbish. Burnley you say? Who was that striker who scored the goals for them?
EN: Steven Fletcher?
RDM: Yes him. Let's sign him
EN: He's already left Burnley, boss
RDM: Really? Who's he gone to?
EN: Wolves, boss
RDM: We don't need him anyway. How about Hull? We could do with a dashing winger. How about that Irish lad with the messy hair?
EN: Stephen Hunt? Wolves have signed him as well
RDM: As well as Fletcher? Why were they signing players while I was asleep? That's not fair. Still, we have Chris Brunt, and he's almost Irish, and his name sounds like Hunt so hopefully the fans won't notice the difference. We need a defender. Who was the strong, commanding, powerful, quick centre back who played for Hull at the end of the season?
EN: Moya-, Moy-, Moyak-, I know who you mean boss, but he's already signed for...
RDM: (interrupting in an angry voice) Don't tell he's signed for Wolves as well (utters string of Italian swearwords)? Ah, who needs him anyway, we've got World Cup winner Pablo Ibanez in our team. We don't need anyone else.
EN: Actually boss, he's a bit rubbish. He hasn't played for Spain since 2008, and only played seven games last season, AND they didn’t keep a clean sheet in any of those games
RDM: Hmmm, yes, I suspected he wouldn't be very good. Why else would he leave Madrid to live in Smethwick? I've got an idea, Eddie, get on the blower to me old mucka Franco down at West Ham. See if he's got any players he can lend us for a bit. It worked with Frank Nouble last season. How many games did he play for us?
EN: Three
RDM: And how many goals did he score?
EN: None
RDM: Excellent, excellent. Another player like that and we'll be Premier League Champions. I sure can spot a player. Who did we sign him from?
EN: West Ham, boss
RDM: Ah yes, that reminds me. Go phone Franco. See if Mark, Frank’s brother, is available. You've got his number?
EN: Yes, but Franco got sac-
RDM: (angrily interrupting) Don't give me excuses, just go and do it. NOW
Eddie Newton leaves the room, Roberto Di Matteo settles back in his finest Italian suit, has a sip of his finest Italian coffee and takes a nap.
*This conversation may not actually have taken place. Yet
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That would be great on TV in a comedy sketch