Jokes
By James Hegarty
May 10 2002
Want to read some funny Football Jokes? Look no further than hear for some of the funniest Jokes written by anybody. Hate United? Hate Rangers? Hate Celtic? Well you'll like these Jokes.
Standard Grade Exam for Dundee United Fans
1. What language is spoken by the French?
2. Give the important characteristics of the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to Architecture and Literature OR give the names of 5of your players.
3. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Scottish CHOOSE ONLY 1.
4. What is a leather football made of?
5. How many players are there in a Football team?
6. Spell: (a) Dundee (b) Encyclopaedia (c) Relegation (d) Promotion ( 'd' may be difficult, come back to at the end if you find it hard.)
7. (a) When Dundee beat Dundee United,
who won?
(b) Who came second?
8. Name another person with the name Charlie Millar.
9. Can you explain why Dundee are better then Dundee United? YES or NO
10. Write your name in block capitals.
11. Explain what is feels like to be high in the league, or spell division one.
A burglary was recently committed at Dundee United ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a Tangerine carpet.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Dundee United are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
The Fire brigade phones Alex Smith in the early
hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Smith sir, Tannadice is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Alex.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Apparently, Alex Smith offered to send the Dundee United on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
Steven Thomson was caught speeding on his way to the
Tannadice today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
The Dundee United Chairman is considering replacing Steven Thomson with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
A man desperate at Dundee Uniteds current situation
decides to top himself.
In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment,
he decides upon wearing his full United kit as his last statement.
A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On
arrival, the police quickly remove the United kit and dress the man in stockings
and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."
British Rail have decided to start sponsoring St Johnstone. British Rail think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
Rumour has it that St Johnstone have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.
Charlie Millar: "Alex, why's this
bacon cold?"
Alex Smith: "Because its ham Charlie!"
Dundee United were playing Ninewells Primary School For The Infirmey, a
charity match played in Dundee last week.
United played an in a unusually rough manner, considering the infirmey side
fielded two defenders in wheelchairs, a striker that used a guide dog and the
goalie using a zimmer frame.
Finally, the Ninewell's manager, with great anger and frustration, pulled his
team off the pitch with thirty minutes left in the half.
It then took Dundee United twenty minutes to score a disputed goal and win the
match 1 - 0.
Q: What is the differance between Pamela Anderson
and the Dundee United goal?
A: Pammy only has two tits infront of her!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dundee United
Dundee United who?
Exactly!
Alex Smith is getting worried about his team's
recent poor form against St Johnstone. He just can't understand it, Dundee
United are the bigger of the 2 clubs, and all the best players etc, but every
time they play the Farmers, they get beaten.
So Alex gives Billy Stark a call and explains his problem. Billy is very
understanding and invites Alex down to watch his team training. So Alex turns up
in Perth and spends a day watching the St Johnstone players. At the end of the
training session he says to Billy
"I still don't understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that
you do, but you still beat us all the time".
"Ah" says Mr Stark, "I don't think its anything to do with the training. I think
its because my players are more intelligent than yours".
Alex looks a bit peeved and asks Billy "What the hell do you mean by that?".
"Well" says Billy, "We also train our boys in lateral thinking".
To demonstrate his point he calls over Tommy Loverkrands. "Tommy, here's a
problem for you. He's you father's son, but he's not your brother; who is he?".
"That's easy" says Tommy, Its me."
"Correct" says Billy.
Alex is very impressed. He goes back to Dundee and next day in training he calls
over Charlie Millar. "Charlie, I've been talking to Billy Stark and he reckons
his players are more intelligent than ours".
"That's bollocks, Boss", is Millar's considered reply.
"OK", says Alex, "I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's
not your brother. Who is he?"
Millar looks blank and replies "Need some time to think about this one boss, can
I tell you tomorrow?"
Alex agrees and Millar goes home thinking about the problem. He asks his wife,
but she hasn't a clue what he's talking about. He eventually decides to give
Craig Easton a call.
"Hello Craig, its Charlie. I've got a question for you. He's your father's son,
but he's not your brother. Who is he?".
"That's easy", says Craig, "Its me".
So Charlie calls over Alex the next day in training and says "Morning Boss, I've
got the answer to that question"
"OK. What is it?" asks Alex.
"Its Craig Easton" replies the confident Millar.
"You stupid bastard" shouts Alex, "Its NOT Craig Easton.............Its Tommy
Loverkrands!"
Top tip for Dundee United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediateley know which team you support.
QUESTION: What do you get if you see a Dundee Utd.
fan buried up to his neck in sand?
ANSWER: More sand
A Rangers scout returns from Bosnia raving about a
new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Alex McCleish is
convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the
boy without looking at him for himself.
The boy arrives in Glasgow for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten
minutes to go Tore Andre Flo gets injured and is stretchered off. McCleish
points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and
do the business for us". The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the
pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The crowd
goes mad.
After the game McCleish gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room."Great
performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of
you. You can use the phone in my office".
The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum. "Mum, I've just had the
best debut; I scored a hat-trick!...you don't sound very happy though; why are
you crying? Is everything okay?" "No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your
dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to
the ground." "God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry" "So you should be. It
was your idea for all of us to move to Glasgow!"
Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an
ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the
mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so
he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£10 for the rat, £100 for the story", replies the man.
"Bugger the story" thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks
off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter
and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole
street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he
comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one
after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to
shop.....
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story"
"Sod the story, where's the brass Rangers fan?"
QUESTION: What's the difference between Celtic and a
three pin plug?
ANSWER: Their both useless in Europe.
QUESTION: Whats the difference Between Dundee
United and Tele Taxis?
ANSWER: Tele Taxi's only let in four.