D-Day Minus Five - Pirates Invasion of London On

By Dick Straughan
April 13 2007

In just five days those scurvy rascals from the Press Gang will spearhead a massive invasion of Twickenham. An expeditionary force will leave the Duchy on Saturday with the main thrust of the assault in the early hours of Sunday. It is too late to turn back now.

Confronted with a raft of problems ever since the Albion invaders were sunk at the Battle of Camborne (2007) the resolve of these Pirates has been remarkable.

Within days of that emotionally charged conflict a recce was mounted on the capital. After a skirmish with the Welsh the famous Pirate Admiral Marshy, a man who makes Steve McQueen look like a choirboy, was abducted by a crazed rickshaw driver deep into the West End of enemy territory. He was saved only by the heroics of Chief Intelligence Officer and Stig-like figure, Dotcom.

After the brave rescue bid a clearly exhausted Dotcom was in reflective mood as he puffed on a cigarillo. "I`m not doing that again. It cost me a bleddy fortune to get him back" he said. Marshy was unfazed by the drama, "I don`t remember a thing" he added.

The British cider industry has applauded the rescue of Admiral Marshy.

An army of up to 10,000 is expected to descend on the capital with the key objective to occupy every pub in the area during the course of the day. An armada has been readied and hidden from prying eyes disguised as barn conversions.

Local residents of Richmond & Twickenham have been advised to leave grog on their doorsteps, lock up their daughters, and to only answer the door to strangers if they can talk like a Pirate. The local Police have admitted that they do not have a Pirate containment policy.

The ranks of Pirates will be swelled by an army of exiles from the Midlands headed by their secretive leader, Leicester Pirate (not his real name). He agreed to meet our reporter at a remote snug on the outskirts of Leicester where he refuted media allegations of his involvement in the infamous Pastygate scandal. "I did not have sexual relations with a pasty crimper from Melton Mowbray," he said. "I did not have relations either with the pasty seller in the kiosk at St Pancras station."

When asked about the reported power struggle within the Midlands sect he stated, "We are an autonomous collective. That is all I wish to say on the matter"
With Pirate Bert at an unknown location in the UK after a highly secretive visit to the Press Gang over the weekend and unavailable for comment, these rumours are sure to persist.

A news blackout has been imposed by the State Broadcaster on the invasion ensuring that the Press Gang should be well advanced by the time news reaches the outside world on Monday morning.

Further updates of the Press Gang`s epic quest will appear here.