D-Day Minus Three - Pirates Plans Disrupted

By Dick Straughan
April 13 2007

It is official. The rumours were correct. The fearsome Rotterdam Roger (aka Curnow Pirate) has formally announced his retirement from international piracy just three days before the great invasion of Twickenham.

In the past few weeks as the great Pirate fleet has been readied at secret locations throughout Cornwall, unconfirmed reports suggested that Rotterdam Roger had decided it was time to hang up his cutlass. Today the man himself came clean and admitted with a heavy heart, "Tis true". He added, "I will be there in spirit though whilst I`m sweating over a hot slave."

It is believed that this great Pirate has taken pity on the thousands of tourists who will be left unfed and without accomodation this weekend as everyone who lives in the Duchy travels east to sack the capital. The man himself would not publicly talk about such a soft and sympathetic side to his personality, but instead promised to look after that famed hostelry, the Admiral Benbow, for the weekend.

Admiral Marshy, just back from a whistle stop tour of North American radio stations, paid tribute to Rotterdam Roger. "Aye, he will be missed alright. He is an experienced Pirate. We may need to change our formation a bit for Sunday but we will be alright." When asked about the long term impact on the Press Gang of Rotterdam Roger`s retirement Marshy commented, "We have got some great wee lads coming through right now. Pirate Bert is being mentored by the great pirate academic Lichfield Cornish. They can both shout a bit!"

The Home Office has refused to comment on further speculation that Rotterdam Roger is wanted by Redcoats for Piskie smuggling.

In a separate development the State Broadcaster has again confirmed that the Pirates invasion force will be subject to a complete news blackout at national level. A spokesperson commented that there was no place in their schedule for such a massive sporting and cultural event. They are fully committed to promoting out-of-work celebrities and second-rate chefs and cannot divert licence-payers money away from such projects for the forseeable future.

The fleet leaves Penzance at three bells on Sunday morn.