Survey Ends: Likes and Dislikes of the Arsenal Experience

By Celine Dion
June 30 2012

The next section of answers didn't need a great big write up, they were just a quick spray of questions to determine where we stand on the burning commercial issues of the club and football in general.

Best and Worst Things About the Ground

Well, the best that can be said for the Emirates, apparently, is that ‘Arsenal play there’. Not in itself a ringing recommendation of our 400million pound super stadium. Some admire the state of the art design and the magical views. Someone, who presumably hasn’t been to a football match anywhere else, enjoys the ‘match day atmosphere’. PK Gunner likes the ‘pretty ladies’ who sometimes sit near him.

People spring to life however, when quizzed as to the negative aspects. In a return to sanity, the p*ss poor atmosphere comes in for criticism. Many of you do not enjoy the over priced luke warm lager. Some don’t like the stewards, one of you does not like ‘most of the people in it’, some of our readership think it is too far away from their houses, and would presumably like the stadium moved. Which in this commercial era is always a possibility, come to think of it.

The opportunity to grill Stan Kroenke at a gala dinner would be wasted by most of you. A startling majority would spend the time poking fun at him for either his hairstyle or general facial expression. Some would ask him if he had soup in his moustache. Some would spoil the refined atmosphere of the fictitious gala dinner by unleashing a raft of expletives. Only Eduardo would try to have a sensible conversation with him about the direction of the club, and even EDUARDO could not resist a reference to Stans’ wig. I shall move on.

Next question was ‘Who is Holding the Club Back the Most?’ Many of you aren’t having it at all, and do not agree that the club IS being held back. Of those that voted, many think it is the board of directors AND Wenger who are doing it, rather than one or the other. Of the voters who want to apportion blame to an individual rather than the whole sorry lot of them, it’s Stan Kroenke, wiping the soup from his wig no doubt, who is the cause of our lack of direction, apparently. But there are equal numbers of you, as I say, who think we aren’t being held back in the slightest. Not sure what to make of it the answers really.

In terms of whether we would be in favour of a ‘sugar daddy taking over the club’, this was an immensely telling answer – and I believe it may reflect a turn in the opinion of the fan base as a whole. Two years ago it was a very firm ‘no’. Last year it was a ‘maybe’, with answers split, and this year, the penny has apparently dropped. “If you can’t beat them, join them” - 70% have voted a ‘YES’. I will leave that to you to make of it what you will.

Rather an obvious answer to the next one, most of you don’t think ticket prices at Arsenal are fair, although it was NOT a unanimous vote. 60% think that commercialism is killing the game, which restores my faith in you all somewhat, but conversely many of the same people, and a vast majority, think SKY TV is a jolly good thing indeed. Finally, and we didn’t get too many answers here, as not everybody goes to games, but a fair few people have either considered stopping going to Arsenal, with consideration being given to the idea of ‘dropping down a few divisions’, or may even be considering leaving the modern world behind and going to live as a hermit. Like Flava has done, in fact.

The final section is our demographic, and stupid question section, where I pry into the profile of our survey contributors, then ask them a few stupid questions, largely for my own amusement. The first striking thing is what a lot of Americans we now have in our readership. Every survey I opened seemed to be from some far flung corner of the US of A. We have quite an age spread as well, from young pups barely 18 years of age, and no doubt shocked by some of the language on the forum, to old stagers, who claim to have supported Arsenal for ‘oooh, 40 years’. Dennis Bergkamp is STILL our favourite footballer of all time, this seems to never change, of those that go, we plan to watch Arsenal MORE next year, and our favourite other clubs comprise mainly the big European outfits except for a few of us who follow the now extinct GLASGOW RANGERS, and someone who supports Exeter City. Of our favourite other sports, lots of us like Tennis and Horse Racing. One person felt it necessary to stipulate FEMALE Tennis as their favourite.

The answers to the ‘preferred way to cook eggs’ category, were absolutely shocking. For every person that stipulated a simple ‘fried’ or ‘boiled’, there is someone else who pours about 15 eggs into a jug, puts it in the microwave with mayonnaise, anchovies, and tree bark, and declares it the ultimate egg recipe. I lost faith in humanity when reading these answers, frankly, and I am declaring scrambled eggs the winner in an executive decision.

Answers to the beer section, sank me into an even deeper despair. Many of you are ‘not keen’ on beer. Some lack the essential moral fibre to have a favourite. Obviously I must excuse those of our readership whose religion precludes them from drinking beer. But there were others with no such excuse, failing to offer an opinion because they preferred WINE. Anyway, Argentinian brew QUILMES is the winner, because me and Flava voted for it.

I thought we should try and be topical, and canvas views on the world economic crisis. I was looking for an interesting slant, perhaps relating to football. But the common view, it appears, is that the world got what was coming, and we are all ‘f****d’

Finally, my favourite question. Which Arsenal player, past or present, would we invite to our Christmas Dinner. And in a family friendly kind of vote, Denis Bergkamp wins. Denis doesn’t strike me as the type of chap to have you guffawing over the port and stilton, with his foul mouthed repartee, and there’s a strong chance he wouldn’t turn up at all if you lived overseas, but Dennis wins.

There is a strong Irish vote, with Liam Brady, and David O’Leary featuring. But the last word goes to Flava, as with every other years’ survey. I must complement everyone on the way they submit their survey responses. Many of you do not just give a simple answer, but fill their response with lots of little asides, and quips. Flava’s survey, however, takes things to a whole new level. His answers are peppered with information that is entirely irrelevant to the survey question, and are many contain thinly veiled personal insults towards me, the noble survey coordinator. But for his answer in this section, Flava surely deserves some kind of prize. Flava would invite Samir Nasri. But not to extend the hand of reconciliation over the roast potatoes.

Once Samir had arrived at Flavas house, Flava and his gang of criminals would exact their revenge over Samir by beating him with bars of soap wrapped up in socks, like in prison. Once poor Samir had been subdued, with the use of household DIY tools, Flava would unleash the ultimate punishment, he would bring some of our regular forum contributors into the room, whom out of respect I shall not name, to bore Samir to tears with their views on Arsenal Football Club. I have submitted Flavas’ survey response to the authorities.

If you missed any section of this epic survey clicks on related links below this feature.

Until next year everyone. And by the way, sort your spelling out,

Cheers Celine Dion.

Survey Ends: Likes and Dislikes of the Arsenal Experience

Posted by: Arsenal Times (IP Logged)

Date: 30/06/2012 10:31

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Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 2012:07:14:20:09:33 by Padre Pio.