When Uriah Met Diwara: Star Draws.
Spaceship
By Boris Mellor
April 13 2006
What a strange game Uriah Rennie had last night, was I the only who noticed it? Every time I looked up he was blocking the ball. He successfully got the ball off Diaby a couple of times.
I am not saying it was deliberate, but when he glided past three defenders and passed the ball across the goal mouth my supicions were alerted. Fortunately his finishing was as poor as the rest of the Pompey team, otherwise Arsenal’s embarrassment could have been even greater. Mind you he was far more effective in defence.
Meanwhile Adebayor manfully competed for the Kaba Diwara Missed Sitters Golden Cup. But he didn’t come close. Kaba used to hit all points of the woodwork from 35 yards with stinging shots. I was convinced that someone was using hidden mirror laser technology to stop him from scoring. To be fair to Diwara if the goals had been just slightly larger he would have 15 goals in his 15 games rather than just zero. Wenger got rid of him toute suite, putting hundreds of "I saw Diwara score" T shirt sellers out of business.
But Ade is not in the same league, he doesn’t smash the ball against posts or bars, or the goalies nose. Making the goal larger would have no tangible effect, he just waves a forlorn leg over the ball, a bit like an Octopus waving goodbye to a Greek waiter in a taverna, or he ties his legs up in a knot like a contortionist making a reminder to buy a pint of milk. He doesn’t really miss the goal in the normal sense of the word ( i.e. the ball misses the net) it’s rather that Ade misses the ball.
But just when you have given up hope, reduced to tears by his strange ways of taking chances he pulls off a wonderful one two with Henry. He is not like a boxer that knocks out the opposition with a direct blow, he prefers to hypnotise them with his mesmeric ducking, diving and weaving, and just when they are convinced he couldn’t possibly do any damage he strikes, or rather Henry does. That’s probably why Henry got the goal, the Portsmouth defence thought its only Adebayor – what can he do? So as they waited for Ade to mess up they forgot about Henry, and he sure does know how to hit them, receiving a wonderful ball from Ade he made one of his beautiful passes into the net. If only Ade could strike the ball as good as he passes.
So it was 1-0 to the Arsenal, it had been an untidy game, and Henry had drifted in and out of it, more out than in, to be precise, but having scored an excellent goal surely things could only get better? Wrong. In the second half Campbell gave away a free kick, and from it Lua Lua did something Arsenal couldn’t do – he put a free header into the net. It was the only serious attempt I remember Pompey having all night – yes they had attempts – but none required a save from Jens. However this one sailed well past Lehmann. Meanwhile we had spurned, and continued to spurn three or four just as easy headers and other chances.
Things got even messier, or at least poor Campbell’s face did, as Portsmouth players queued up to take turns to take lumps out of it Well you can’t complain after all they had warned Arsenal they were going to get "in their faces", although they didn’t particularly mention Campbell.
Meanwhile Lua Lua was substituted after injuring himself celebrating the fact that he can head the ball, unlike the Northern softies from up the road. Pompey had run out of strikers – so resorted to 4-5-1 and decided to hang on for the draw. Arsenal continued to make chances and continued to spurn them.
The result had nothing to do with Wenger changing the team, but everything to do with the fact that some players, not just Adebayor, can’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. £60, 000 a week? They should pay us that to watch such rubbish finishing.
However those Arsenal fans who are preparing to slit their wrists rather than see the evil criminal overlord Jolba the Hutt, who runs that nefarious slave trading racket just up the road, seize 4th spot, should not despair. For Arsene Yoda is plotting the Empire’s return as I write.
Besides let’s be positive, the point came in handy, it lifted us into 5th place, and the teams behind Arsenal no longer have games in hand. In the smoke and confusion of battle it is not always possible to be objective, but the smoke has cleared now. It can now be seen that Jolba and the boys will face stern battles at Everton and Highbury, and right now the evil Darth Vadar is preparing to demolish the Hutt in his own dinghy hide out in his pursuit of galatic dominance over the special one. Liverpool got 4th spot with 61 points last year. Surely Arsenal can equal or surpass that?
The adventure continues. May the farce be with you.