The Anti News

By James Bassett
August 17 2006

From the transfer of Michael Ballack to Shahbaz's mental arse-bothering antics to Chelsea's purchase of Andriy Shevchenko to Grace's Mr. Potato Head-styled bitching...

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...to Phillipe Lahm's screamer to Carlos Gamarra's own goal to Arjen Robben's dives to Australia's Tim Cahill-inspired comeback to Otto Pfister's return to Ronaldo's amusing chubbiness to Rahdi Jaidi's late equaliser to Oliver Neuville's last-minute winner to England's eighy-two-minutes of goalless football against Trinidad & Tobago to twenty-four passes by Argentina to the Yankee-Italian brawl to Ghana blitzing the Czechs to Joe Cole's hit-and-hope to Josip Simunic's three bookings to Maxi Rodriguez showing Joe Cole how it's really done to Portugal and Holland's eighteen bookings and four red cards to David Beckham's puke to Switzerland and Ukraine playing out the worst game of all time to Francesco Totti's penalty to Ronaldo's record breaker to the substitution of Juan Roman Riquelme to Ricardo Carvalho's testicles to Ronaldo's wink to the end of Sven to Fabio Grosso's late, late strike to the ballsiest of penalties to Zinedine Zidane's mother to Italy's triumph to Juventus' relegation to Roger Federer's fourth-consecutive Wimbledon title to Ashley Cole's never-ending transfer saga to Tiger Woods' tears at Hoylake to £18.6m for Michael Carrick to Floyd Landis' drug test to Monty Panesar's five-for to Jenson Button's first grand prix victory to Big Brother jumping the shark to Steve McClaren bringing an end to David Beckham's England career to Liverpool winning the Community Shield, it's been a very, very, very long summer.

However, it's Boro news that you've come for. So, in a not very new Anti News style..

Let's do this.....

"Who care what's on his tongue - long as he's a stud where it counts! I'm talkin' downtown!"

Of course, the biggest story of Middlesbrough's summer was the search for Steve McClaren's replacement. If you can remember as far back as May, you'll recall that after impressing his employers with some exemplary photocopying and tea-making skills, former work experience boy Steve McClaren was told that he would be given a full-time job by The FA as soon as England were knocked out of the World Cup. This, of course, meant that Middlesbrough would have to go about finding themselves a new manager before England's inevitable quarter-final exit.

However, with every potential candidate away enjoying the World Cup, the search for a new manager was never going to be easy. Having watched some of the highlights and liked what he heard emitting from the mouths of the people sat next to Adrian Chiles and Gabby Logan, Steve Gibson hopped on a plane and scoured television studios the length and breadth of Germany, before holding talks with the BBC's Iain Dowie and Martin O'Neill, and Alan Curbishley and Terry Venables from ITV's punditry team. In the end, Gibson settled for Clive Tydelsey's co-commentator, ITV's Gareth Southgate, as the man to lead Boro into their Uefa Cup-less era. Rumours that Leonardo and Steve Ryder both turned down the role remain unconfirmed.

The twist, of course, was that despite the impressive feat of carrying the entire Middlesbrough back four on his shoulders for the last five seasons, Southgate doesn't have the necessary coaching badges to call himself manager of a Premiership team. According to Keith Lamb, Southgate hadn't been able to take the coaching course because he "has spent the last few summers serving his country as a player." This will have come as some surprise to numerous football statisticians who list Southgate's final England cap as being against Slovakia in July 2003. However, Anti News can exclusively reveal that last summer Gareth went camping and the summer before he'd been tiling his roof.

"Catch ya later, radiator! Oh my God! I hit someone. then I taunted him. I've never felt so alive!"

So, with a manager in place, Middlesbrough proceeded to link themselves with a typically absurd bunch of players: diminutive Fulham reserve, Steed Malbranque; Deportivo La Coruna's rubbish forward, Diego Tristan; cigar-stubber extraordinaire, Joey Barton; square-jawed liability, Sylvain Distin; Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle, Raphael; the least diving and least broken-legged French centre-forward on show at the World Cup, Sidney Govou; Shaktar Donetsk's improbably vowelled Anatolii Tymoschuk; yellow-specced drug guzzler, Edgar Davids; Stars & Stripes defensive back, Oguchi Onyewu; Blackburn's midfield flamin' gallah, Brett Emerton; slap-headed Robinho-basher, Thomas Gravesen; ceaselessly reproducing Big Brother troglodyte, Davina McCall; so cool he wears gloves in August Wigan full-back, Pascal Chimbonda, Feyenoord's World Cup flop, Dirk Kuyt/Kout/Kuijt, and acne-ridden Newcastle cast-off, James Milner.

Elsewhere, despite agreeing a fee with Chelsea before the World Cup, Boro determined an unfit Robert Huth not to be a significant improvement on Ugo Ehiogu, and the German's proposed transfer from West London fell through. The lofty lumberer, who played just ninety minutes for Germany during the World Cup, was believed to be harbouring an ankle injury, which might not stand up to the scrutiny of an extended training session on the Rockcliffe assault course with George Boateng and Emanuel Pogatetz.

So, with the romantic flame of Southgate bringing in his direct replacement as his first signing duly extinguished, the one-time Pizza Hut spokesman signed Herold Goulon from Lyon instead. Goulon, who has been compared to Patrick Vieira, will hopefully prove to be a tenacious ball-winning midfielder rather than a wheezing has-been. 18-year-old Goulon is likely to see out much of his first season on Teesside knocking the ball around with Gaizka Mendieta and Jason Kennedy in the reserves.

Southgate's first proper signing (because an 18-year-old kid from France that no one's heard of doesn't really count, does it... ) turned out to be Julio Arca of two-time upside-down Premiership champions, Sunderland. Arca, who linked well with Stewart Downing when the England international was on loan at the Stadium of Light, is expected to start the season at left-back. Of course, that means Arca has the thankless task of replacing Riverside favourite Franck Queudrue. But as the man who prematurely ended Alan Shearer's career, the Argentinean should find a lot of love on Teesside.

"I am not making you another sparerib smoothie! Most people with their jaws wired shut don't gain weight!"

Meanwhile, sideways passes at The Riverside are likely to decrease by around 22% after Gareth Southgate waved goodbye to Guidoni Junior Dave Doriva. Hard-working Doriva, whose willingness to run around a lot saw him awarded Players' Player Of The Season in 2005, was released by the club after his contract expired. Incidentally, perpetually-underperforming Charlie Dimmock-alike Ray Parlour continues to find himself in gainful employment at The Riverside.

Franck Queudrue also received his marching orders by Southgate. The Paris-born, sometime Irish full-back fell out of favour with Steve McClaren midway through last season and it's clear that despite the nightmare scenario of Julio Arca succumbing to injury and Emanuel Pogatetz galloping up and down the left-flank all season, Southgate doesn't rate Queudrue either. Having been linked with Liverpool and Paris St. Germain last season, Queudrue instead opted for a big-money glamour move to perennial relegation stragglers, Fulham.

Another player whose contract was allowed to expire was Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, whose career record of a goal every two games wasn't enough to convince Southgate to keep him on. The Dutch striker's resulting hissy fit was fierce enough to be felt by new Charlton boss Iain Dowie who promptly offered a contract to the Premiership's seventh all-time top goalscorer. Southgate said, "Jimmy was naturally disappointed with the decision but I'm sure he will move on to another challenge," as he planted a recently-polished size nine on Hasselbaink's famously ample backside.

"Three wars back, we called Sauerkraut 'Liberty Cabbage'. And we called Liberty Cabbage 'Super Slaw'. And back then, a suitcase was known as a 'Swedish Lunchbox'. 'Course nobody knew that but me. anyway, 'long story short' is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling."

Though it's a turn of events so predictable that it barely qualifies as news, Middlesbrough's pre-season form has been dreadful.

Southgate's first game in charge was against Scotland's second team - and therefore the thirty-seventh best team in Britain - Glasgow Rangers. Nonetheless, a goal from Thomas Buffel meant that Rangers won 1-0. At the same time, a Boro XI lost 1-0 to Darlington.

Three days later Boro claimed a 3-1 victory over Barnsley, with a brace from Yakubu (his first goals since March) and one from Massimo Maccarone, while a Boro XI secured a 1-0 win over York City, with a goal from James Morrison.

Boro lost 2-0 to Doncaster Rovers at Belle Vue, before goals from Malcolm Christie and Yakubu helped beat Sheffield Wednesday 2-1. Boro were also defeated by Athletic Bilbao and Cologne in a pair of bizarre 45-minute knock-arounds. In proper 90-minute football, Boro lost 2-0 to Feyenoord on 6th August, and David Wheater was sent-off in a 4-0 defeat to Heerenveen two days later.

Middlesbrough's final pre-season match against Chievo Verona ended 0-0. Of course, regardless of the result, the game was an extremely worthwhile affair as proceeds went to the Finley Cooper Fund. In fact, such was the goodwill and charity of the entire afternoon that it's left the first-ever Anti News to conclude in a rather warm and fuzzy fashion.

Hang on! Doncaster Rovers!? Darlington!?

Well, at least the 3rd Round of the FA Cup should be competitive.

And with that....

NOW HAVE YOUR SAY IN THE FORUM

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