The Anti News - The UWE Issue

By James Bassett
September 19 2006

Boro captain George Boateng has been ordered to rest for ten days after he injured his knee during a challenge on Swedish underwear model Freddie Ljungberg during Boro’s 1-1 draw at Arsenal last weekend.

Anti News certainly enjoyed Grand Slam Sunday and while it was heartening to see an Arsenal side that Boro shackled undo Manchester United with some ease, our favourite moment was listening to Sky Sports’ second-choice clown act, Ian Dark and Alan Smith tell the viewing public that Mohammed Sissoko had been sent-off.

Then, several seconds later, they realised the difference between a black bloke wearing a red shirt with the number 22 and the word ‘Sissoko’ on it and a white bloke wearing a blue shirt with the number 13 and the word ‘Ballack’ on it, and announced that Michael Ballack had been dismissed for elbowing Sissoko. Nearly a minute passed before the commentary team realised what had actually transpired.

Anti News surely won’t be the only one feeling the need to point out that particular incident of buffoonery next time their Sky Sports colleague, the risible Andy Gray feels it necessary to criticise a referee who has to accurately arbitrate an event within microseconds of it occurring.

Oh, and did anyone else laugh when – in the 54th minute – Ashley Cole caught Jermaine Pennant with a blow to the head?

Let’s do this……………

“When you think about it, mud is nothin’ but wet dirt.”

Boro captain George Boateng has been ordered to rest for ten days after he injured his knee during a challenge on Swedish underwear model Freddie Ljungberg during Boro’s 1-1 draw at Arsenal last weekend.

Of course, since Boateng was already suspended for the game at The Reebok, this barely qualifies as news. So, in an attempt to redress the balance, Anti News can report that Robert Huth came through his first game in a cheap and rubbish Boro shirt unscathed, as he played over an hour of the reserves 1-0 loss to Sheffield United.

“My ankle was solid, which was the main concern for me,” Huth told reporters afterwards, “It was a good game for me to play in.”

Ray Parlour also lined up for the reserves.

Anyone care?

Thought not.

“When we got married, is this how you thought we’d be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to trade in a refrigerator motor?”

James Morrison, who scored the opener in Boro’s 1-1 draw at the Emirates Stadium last weekend believes that Stewart Downing has blazed a trail for the club’s young players.

“I think it has go to be everybody’s dream at the club to follow Stewart into the England squad,” the 20-year-old told the Daily Star. Now, Anti News makes no attempt to hide its admiration for James Morrison, but he’s clearly forgotten the eleven members of the senior squad that hail from other parts of the globe.

“We are all striving to get where he is and the fact that so many players at Boro have represented England at youth levels shows there could be more,” Morrison continued, “We must be doing something right because there are England internationals all over the club.”

Since Boro’s England internationals include the perma-crocked Ray Parlour and Ugo Ehiogu, Anti News can only assume that when Morrison says “all over the club”, he really means “the treatment table”.

“Boy, I’ll tell ya. They only come out at night. Or, in this case, uh, the daytime.”

Boro claimed their first clean sheet of the season at The Reebok on Saturday after a 0-0 draw with Bolton.

Gareth Southgate claimed he was pleased with the performance, telling Sky Sports, “In the last two weeks, we have been very solid defensively and that was very important as Bolton ask a lot of questions of you,” including “how many times can we punt the ball aimlessly upfield?” and “how did you like that elbow?” Anti News would hasten to add.

For the second week in a row, Jonathan Woodgate excelled and Southgate singled the on-loan defender out for special praise. “He showed today what a class act he is and he is an influence on the players around him,” Southgate told reporters.

With George Boateng suspended, Woodgate wore the captain’s armband and Southgate told of the defender’s elation, admitting, “When I told him, his eyes lit up. It’s obviously a boyhood dream come true and I was glad to be able to ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ for him.”

A nil-nil draw with Bolton isn’t a great result but it’s only when Southgate starts wearing heavy gold jewellery and a shell suit that we really have to worry.

And with that……….

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A GUARANTEED PROFIT ON PORT VALE v QPR
Harry Haverton

The Carling Cup second round kicks off on Tuesday night and we can guarantee you a profit on the Port Vale v QPR match, whatever the result.

What we are going to do is back Port Vale with Betfred in the hope of cashing in the Betfred bonus of your first bet winnings matched, up to £100.

We are also going to back both QPR and the draw so that we ensure that we end up in profit this bet, whatever the result. Read on and you will find out how.

We're going to lay out a total of £130.50 on the match and we will collect £168.00 if Port Vale win. If QPR win or it's a draw, we will win either £0.40 or £0.75 and gain £50.00 in free bets which we can cash in at the weekend.

Here's how it's done. Just follow these simple instructions.

1. Open accounts with Betfred and Stan James and Bet Internet. This shouldn't take you any longer than ten minutes.

2. Make the following deposits into your new accounts. Deposit £42 into your new Betfred account. Deposit £38.50 into your new Stan James account. Deposit £50 into your new Bet Internet account.

3. Now make the following bets.

Place £42 on Port Vale at 6/4 with Betfred.

Place £38.50 on the draw at 12/5 with Stan James

Place £50 on QPR to win at 13/8 with Bet Internet

You have temporarily laid out a total of £130.50. I stress, temporarily... Now sit back, crack a beer open and enjoy the match.

4. Here's what happens at the end of the game.

If Port Vale win, you will collect £168.00 from Betfred, including your stake back and your first win bonus. This money can be withdraw immediately.

If it's a draw, you will collect £130.90 from Stan James

If QPR win, you will collect £131.25 from Bet Internet.

Bet Internet will also credit your account with a £25 free bet (50% of your first stake) and Stan James will also credit your new account with a £25 free bet.

5. This means that the worst case scenario on the Port Vale v QPR match is a draw and you win £0.40 and £50.00 in free bets. But if Port Vale win, you win £37.50 and £50.00 in free bets.

Please feel free to contact us if you have any questions at all about this bet and we will come straight back to you.

Please note that the free bets and bonuses are valid for new customers only so if you already have an account with one or more of the bookies we are using, you won't be able to do this. If that is the case, contact us and we'll try and find you an alternative.

This method of betting was used very successfully during the World Cup and you can read all about how it was done right here.

It's understandable that some people will not believe that it is possible to do this. "What's the catch?" I hear you asking. My answer to that question is that we have been publishing arbitrage bets for three seasons now and literally hundreds of people have profited from following the advice on these pages.

Just enjoy the profit and stay posted for many more of these throughout the season.