This Week's James Bassett Column

By James Bassett
January 16 2005

The previous seven days were threatening to chug past with nary a decent footballing story in sight. What do the press do when there’s a dearth of decent stories? Well, they churned out Round XXXVII of the Mourinho vs. Ferguson saga.

The tabloids spent the three days telling us that they don’t get on that well, an observation rivaled in its perspicacity by “Jackie Stallone isn’t very attractive.” .

Not even the sound of three drawn-out transfer stories finally slamming shut was enough to wake this writer from his weeklong slumber. In case you missed them, Liverpool finally allowed Real Madrid first refusal on Steven Gerrard in exchange for Fernando Morientes to stand around waiting for a Milan Baros pass. Making the reverse journey from Merseyside to Madrid was Thomas Gravesen. And no, I don’t understand why either. Finally, Birmingham succumbed to Robbie Savage’s bizarre request to be closer to his ill parents by moving further away from their North Wales home.

That’s the rest of the football dealt with, what happened in the world of Middlesbrough Football Club?

Let’s do this……………

“They’re foxy to me, are they foxy to you?”

Star-crossed lovers have always fascinated this writer. From Romeo and Juliet to Alfie and Little Mo, this writer loves the titillation that only an ill-fated couple can provide. Which two young lovers do I speak of? Well, only Geremi and Joseph Job.

Sensing a fairy-tale ending to the story that had seen the two lovebirds cruelly separated by Roman Abramovich’s wallet in the summer of 2003, Geremi was looking quixotical, as he whispered, “I’m not satisfied at Chelsea” to assorted journalists on Monday. “The option of Middlesbrough is excellent because I have great memories of my time there,” he murmured as soft-focus pictures of Joseph Job - hair being gently caressed by the breeze - no doubt appeared in his subconscious.

Meanwhile, five hundred miles away, Joseph Job proved that he’s a sucker for schmaltz as he divulged that Geremi is, “a good friend and for me he was the best player in the season when he was here before. The fans love him and he would definitely help the side.”

But the outcomes for the couples from Verona and Walford look positively rosy compared to that of Geremi and Joseph Job. By Thursday, cold hearted bastard Jose Mourinho stuck ten pence in his coin-operated assistant Steve Clarke to break the news that Chelsea will not be allowing this love story to blossom. "We want to keep everybody that we've got in our squad now” the Mourinho wannabe cackled.

“I want to fire a missile launcher.”

Firebrand Boro boss Steve McClaren has been warned as to his future conduct after admitting a charge of finger wagging following a confrontation with referee Phil Dowd at White Hart Lane.

McClaren was upset that the referee had instantly been able to spot 6ft 1” Franck Queudrue hurl himself at 6ft 3” Noe Pamarot from a distance of 3 metres away. Steve, you don’t work for Manchester United anymore, remember? Rules apply to your players.

While McClaren admitted the charge, the disciplinary commission took into account his previous good behaviour and, presumably, the fact that he works for them as Sven’s Assistant when handing out his warning.

“I know the sharks, they don’t have wings.”

What do you do when you’ve got a dreadfully juvenile joke to use that wasn’t particularly funny the first time? well, if your name is James Bassett, you use it again as a way of protesting the ludicrous transfer window system this country is currently using.

In case you missed last week’s rather good (even if I do say so myself) column, allow me to explain what is about to follow. Using calculations that even NASA mathematicians would struggle with, I’ve created a system known as the Credible Undoubted Negotiable Rating. I consider to what degree a potential transfer is credible, undoubted or negotiable, do a very difficult piece of mathematics and arrive at a figure out of ten. 10 = they’ll be wearing a casino-sponsored shirt in a week or so, 1 - no chance.

The Northern Echo appears to have realised, two and a bit weeks late, that the transfer window has opened. First up they seem to think that Boro will make a bid for diminutive Fulham playmaker Steed Malbranque.
CUNT Rating: 2/10 - And where exactly does this fella fit into our team? If we needed a lightweight attacking midfielder we’d still have Juninho.

They didn’t stop there, the Echo also suggested that McClaren might make a bid to lure permanently injured Simon “he’s got pubes on his head” Davies from Spurs.
CUNT Rating: 4/10 - Right-sided midfielder, not currently getting a game for his club... We could do a lot worse.

The Echo concluded its list of Boro-linked players by suggesting that Chelsea may finally sell the second best goalkeeper in the league and that Boro may be Cudicini’s preferred choice.
CUNT Rating: 1/10 - I will gladly eat my own arm if this transfer occurs.

Surely the most bizarre speculation came courtesy of Sky Sports who seem to think that should Mark Schwarzer finally leave The Riverside he will be replaced by Stipe Pelikosa. Nope, me either.
CUNT Rating: 1/10 - I’ll let you pour salt on it as well.

When not dismissing Prince Harry’s Nazi fanaticism as mere “hi-jinks,” The Guardian put forward the name of Olivier Dacourt to the list of midfielders that Boro have been linked with.
CUNT Rating: 7/10 - With Boateng’s injury and Doriva Can’t Pass’s inability to play well a defensive central midfielder should be top of McClaren’s wishlist. Either this chap or Amdy Faye will be on his way to Boro shortly, I reckon.

“A Crip is sleeping on the basement stairs.” Curiously coiffured Andrew Davies has joined QPR on a month’s loan. The return to the first-team of Michael Reiziger and Ugo Ehiogu (though not for long, it would transpire) and the emergence of Chris Riggott as a decent centre-half means that Davies has limited chances of a game.

The 20-year-old centre-back, who can also play at right-back has made only two senior appearances this season - both in Boro’s shortlived Carling Cup run - after breaking his leg in a reserve game in March last year.

“Hey little boy, would you like to know what’s in my pocket or not?”

If, like me, you are getting tired of Mark Schwarzer’s will-he-won’t-he transfer story, make yourself a banana daiquiri or something and rejoin us in a couple of minutes. Before you go, though, I should warn you that to spruce up the story a little, I’ve added a little side-story about an inexperienced teenager.

Schwarzer has refused Boro’s latest offer and reports continue to suggest that Manchester United and Arsenal are both monitoring the situation. Steve McClaren, however, is still sure that Schwarzer will be a Boro player on February 1st. “To be perfectly honest, I have never even thought of the idea of Mark Schwarzer leaving this football club in January,” he told assembled journalists as he frantically tried to recall Robert Green’s phone number from his mobile. “I would certainly be the first one against it. I do not want that to happen. We have no intention of losing Mark at this present moment.” Look, I’ve now to call Jaaskelainen’s agent so if you could let yourselves out, he probably didn’t add.

Meanwhile, Tony McMahon has still not signed a new deal at the club. Being a young footballer and therefore unable to speak any sort of recognisable language, his agent, Ian Elliot, spoke on his behalf telling journalists that, “The situation is straightforward: we have had discussions with Middlesbrough, they have made an offer and the offer has been rejected,” he smarmily droned. Elliott continued, “We are hoping we can continue negotiations and reach a successful conclusion.” One that means I make loads more money selling the dreams of impressionable young men, he may not have added.

“I told her I was free of disease.”

The kick-off time for Middlesbrough’s UEFA Cup clash with Graz AK has been brought forward an hour.

At the request of the hosts - who want to watch an explosive episode of Eastenders - the game on Thursday, February 17th, will get underway at 6:30GMT.

Well, I didn’t want any of you getting there late.

“No one serves coffee, no one wakes up.”

Boro and Everton played out a fiery 1-1 draw at The Riverside on Sunday to keep both clubs in the hunt for European qualification.

The visitors were the better team in the opening exchanges with Lee Carsley coming the closest to breaking the deadlock as he rattled the bar from Kevin Kilbane’s cross. There was bad news for Boro as Ugo Ehiogu limped off after about 15 minutes.

It fell to ComeOnBoro.com’s Man Of The Year Bolo Zenden to give Boro the undeserved lead on 26 minutes with his fourth Premiership goal of the season. JFH played the Dutch midfielder in with a perfectly weighted pass.

However, Boro couldn’t build on their lead and were wasteful in possession. Doriva Can’t Pass was especially guilty of surrendering the ball in the centre of the park [Note to McClaren - buy a new centre-midfielder]. Everton continued to create the better openings after the interval and James Beattie saw a stabbed shot strike the post before Franck Queudrue cleared. However, luck appeared to be on Boro’s side and it appeared that they would take all three points.

Then, after 74 minutes, David Moyes introduced Duncan Ferguson. The former Newcastle player was returning after a three-match suspension probably incurred for stamping on an old lady’s head or something. It didn’t take long for the most disagreeable footballer in the world to make an impact. Beattie and Marcus Bent set up Hibbert for an all-too-obvious far post cross where Ferguson was left completely unmarked for a knockdown into the path of Tim Cahill and a subsequent side-foot shot beyond Mark Schwarzer from eight yards.

Heated exchanges broke out among a number of players either side of a Carsley corner. Ferguson’s decision to kick Schwarzer in the head resulted in a 16-man melee in the back of the Boro goal. Ferguson grabbed Colin Cooper by the throat due to frustration of only having two children to eat that day.

Eventually the game settled down and the teams left the field with a point each doing neither any favours.

The Skinny

I currently yearn for two things:

1 - Mark Schwarzer to make his bloody mind up as to whether he wants to stay or not.
2 - Boro to play good football again.

Everton’s five-man midfield makes it difficult to play good football, but even so, we were pretty poor throughout that game. We’ve started relying on long-balls like a Sunday Pub Team. Please Boateng, get fit soon.

Anyway, a trip to pretty much relegated already Norwich lies ahead next Saturday. Let’s hope for better. Who knows, we could’ve signed a new player by then.

And with that……….