Tino Gives His First Interview

By Simian
August 31 2002

Tino Aprillia has given his first interview after the debacle at Darlington.

The big news is not that he had done a runner but that protracted negotiations were started 3 years ago.

Tino sends his apologised to the Darlington supporters but lays the blame firmly at the feet of a shadowy bloke in a hairgrip who approached him in Bogotá.

After asking for some coke and seeming very disappointed after being given Pepsi, Tino explains; “A few years ago I was approached by a strange looking man with a hairgrip who told me that he would like to sign me. He went on to explain that he represented a club that was in the second year of a five year plan to be in the premiership”. Tino asked about money.

Tino explains“ I was to be the final piece in the jigsaw and he would like me to join during the promotion season into the premier league. He said that they would be in a new stadium that would put the new Wembley to shame and that the team would be full of household names”. I of course asked about money, after all I wasn’t really interested in a dog eared town in the back of beyond! I was assured that the funds would not be a problem.

After again asking about money, Tino was interested. Not only would he be getting paid handsomely but they would give him a free car and house. Tino asked about more money.

Eventually the strange man left Tino to practice on his private shooting range. And wandered off .

Tino heard no more about it until recent weeks when his agent received a call asking for a meet. Tino’s agent asked about expenses. No problem.

So the Tino circus rolled into Darlington this week and the only stumbling block seemed to be the work permit. This was a matter of procedure that didn’t worry Tino whatsoever. It worried him less and less during the coming days. Particularly after being shown around. Tino had decided that the work permit wasn’t a problem because there was no way he was going to need one!!

After being shown a building site near the A66, Tino wondered why there was no work going on. Tino asked the man with the weird hair; “Have you employed Columbian builders? They don’t seem to be doing much.!!” The hairgrip explained Don’t worry, there are a number of gigs booked”. Tino was confused so he asked about money.

The Columbian striker admitted “Feethams was a shock” but I was not too worried after all, next year Darlington would be in the premier league and Tino would be on the stage his talents deserve. Old Trafford, St James Park, Highbury etc etc perhaps even the following year, a trip to Barcelona for a European game.

“I want to introduce you to the crowd tonight” said the hairgrip. OK said Tino. Who are we playing? “Errm Carlisle” Carlisle was not a team Tino knew. Suddenly doubts began to grow in Tino’s head. After asking about cash, Tino went off in search of the league tables. After scanning the first division and finding no Darlingon, Tino was worried. Div 2…. Still no sign. Div 3. ARGHH !!! Tino looked at the team sheet. Who, Who , Who, Who, Who, Who, Who.

The hairgrip appeared with the rest of the team. Tino Admitted “Now I know I’m an odd looking git but these lot were like the Addams family” Who was the big bald bloke who couldn’t run? What is that ugly ginger thing?

Tino was horrified! What had he gotten himself into?

The final straw was the game that night. Ok they won but Tino had seen a better quality of football in a Bogotá gaol. He had seen enough. Tino’s agent mentioned a call from an oil sheik who owned a team in Dubai. Tino asked about money.

So Tino went off to the sun feeling relieved and vowing never again to talk football with people who wear hairgrips.