The first Calcutta Cup match.

It was in the year 141 that plans were made to extend the Roman Empire northwards, beyond the wall that Hadrian had recently completed, and to build a new wall under the orders sent from Rome by Emperor Antoninus Pius. The Caledonians to the north of Hadrian’s Wall were none too pleased at this idea, and nor were the Roman legions who would have to trudge 120 miles through barren lands and build a stupid wall in the land of midges. When there was disagreement between the Caledonians and the Romans, it was usually settled by battles, but it was February, and not the ideal time of year for mutilation and death, so instead it was decided to settle the dispute by means of a game of rugby. Because neither side wanted the Romans to win, it was decided to have the game on the north side of the wall, with a local referee, Scotty McScotface taking the whistle.

McScotface tossed a denarius and called “capitbus or caudae??” “Heeds.” Declared Caledonian captain Hamish Gray, and the Caledonians were awarded the top of the hill. The first try came within less than a minute when Gray, his kilt billowing behind him as he chased his own kick, tripped over a sheep and allowed Marcusius Smithium to collect the ball from a cow pat, flick back his ridiculously flowing hair, and run unopposed to the top of the hill, too quick for the rest of the Caledonian team who were still at the bar, arguing over who should pay for their pints.
“Veni vidi tryi.” Yelled Smithium, punching the air. The Head Coach was a native Briton, Styavas Bourtwicke, and he didn’t give a stuff if his team of Romans won or not, and he had issued strict team orders that they were not to win. The players were naturally competitive however, and were not going to lose to a bunch of illiterate tribesmen who didn’t even know about underwear. The game was on. Smithium waited for the referee to award the try, and waited, and waited. Mc Scotface spent more than twenty minutes conferring with his assistant referees trying to find a reason not to award the try, but eventually let it stand.
Gray again kicked off down the hill, this time with his full team behind him, although most of them were slightly drunk and reeking of ale. The ball was collected by Antonius Watsonus who was immediately tackled by Stuart Gray, losing the ball forwards as Gray gave him a Glasgow kiss. Gray picked up the ball and passed to Gray, who immediately shipped it out wide for Gray to score in the corner, but the ball was intercepted by Maximus Malinus who raced for the top of the hill while the Caledonians just watched, saying lots of native words that were very rude and very Caledonian. The try was disallowed however when McScotface ruled foul play because of a high head butt. Roman captain Owenium Farrelus pointed out that the foul had been committed by the Caledonians and he started putting on his armour. Seeing the rest of the Roman team including the subs also tooling up for battle, McScotface conceded that he had a point and allowed the try.
The next scoring opportunity came when the veteran forward Danium Colus collected the ball and immediately ordered the other forwards to form a shield wall. The Caledonians declared “Nae way tae batter that woodie bastard doon.” And conceded the try, walking back to the bar and declaring it was half time.
The second half got under way, referee McScotface declaring that the Caledonians would again have the high ground. Smithium kicked off, Gray collecting the high ball with a loud belch before he set off down the hill. Gray ran past Gray and Gray passed the ball. McScotface blew his whistle for a clear forward pass but Gray told him to shut it. Gray was eventually tackled by Sincklerium, but he
managed to offload to Gray, who shipped the ball on to Fagerson, the only player in the Caledonian team not called Gray, except for all those called Fagerson. “Oh fae spurtle’s sake man.” Uttered Fagerson as he received the ball while he still had a pint in one hand and a deep fried pie in the other. He spilled his pint, dropped his pie, but too late to collect the ball which bounced into the hands of Vunipolius, who gathered his men around him and they marched unopposed to the line. Smithium took his time taking the conversion while his team mates quickly built a wall at the bottom of the field, managing to prevent the Caledonians from scoring for the rest of the match.
The final score 0 – 28 ensured that the spoils went to the visitors, and hence the Antonine wall was built the following year between the Clyde and the Forth, but it was abandoned just a few years after completion when the Romans realised that they now had the people of Mid-Lothian in their empire, and that was why all their stuff was getting nicked. It was agreed that the next Calcutta Cup game would be postponed until the invention of the rugby pitch, resulting in a gap of more than 1700 years.