Don't Cry For Me Argentina

WELCOME BACK?
By A.R.S.E.
November 13 2006

Our man in the England camp, Andy Robinson’s Special Envoy (better known as A.R.S.E.), returns with his unique brand of behind-the-scene analysis of England’s latest successes.

Phew – what a relief. The Argentina result was most fortuitous and brought a much needed return to reality. I must confess that after the New Zealand game, I was seriously concerned about my future prospects. Had England really turned the corner? Were my spin-doctoring skills no longer required? Would I have to enter TV punditry instead? Thankfully not.

Fortunately, our visionary, wise and charismatic leader not only nipped the green shoots of recovery in the bud, he also napalmed the area to ensure those shoots won’t be back for some time.

As has been proved, time and time again, the club game is bad for the international set-up. The first game of any international mini-season witnesses players demonstrating attributes picked up from their clubs. This used to mean the team might win its opening fixture. More recently, core values are showing through consistently, limiting the side to the occasional signs of promise, whilst ensuing the end result is maintained.

Of extreme importance has been AR finding a way to influence the team, despite the virtual castration of his leadership in the post-6N restructuring. Despite no longer be able to “eff things up” from first principles, he has achieved great success in the overall “eff-up” strategy by manipulating the selection of players. As this is one area, other than chewing the proverbial wasp wrapped in a urine-soaked thistle, that is still under his control, AR has continued the cunning strategy of playing players out of position, regardless of where their long-term futures lie.

The best example of late is the playing of flanker at 8 and 8 at flanker. This ensures that the out-of-position-but-nominally-number-8 gets in a tangle with his scrum-half. This is an extremely effective tactic for confusing the opposition – I doubt that they, or anyone else, knew what-the-eff was going on.

A special mention is required for Moody. The poor bloke keeps getting confused – he thinks the number on the back of his shirt is the value of points he is supposed to gift the opposition (two penalties in the last game). AR will resolve this problem against the Springboks by playing him at full-back, whilst stating that his long-term future lies at flanker!

Other selection successes have come at 10 and at 15. AR fully understands Hodgson has problems dealing with the pressure of big games, despite helping Sale destroy sides week-in week-out and a cracking Prem Final at Twickers only a few short months ago. AR successfully handled this delicate situation by informing Charlie that if it went wrong, AR would hoik him off before the end of the game and reconsider his long-term fly-half options. Clearly, there is something wrong with the player, rather than differences in coaching styles between club and country.

Bringing on Flood for his debut cap, at a time when the England ship had sunk and the lifeboats were taking on water, was a master stoke. Most coaches would have been dissuaded from such a strategy by the memory of Johnny Wilkinson’s glaring exposure in the 1999 World Cup QF against South Africa. Even though it was not Wilko’s debut, he still kicked like Olly Barkley after a one-on-one coaching session with Dave Aldred. Without AR’s bold vision, history would not have been able to repeat itself.

The other great success was full-back. AR had the opportunity of allowing the Best Full Back in the World Ever to recover form and fitness at Glozza. However, Ashton said that Balshaw’s form in 2001 typified the way he wanted England to play. So, AR promptly included Balshaw on his selection sheet for 2006! Given that this is one of the few positions where England has genuine options, AR felt the resulting criticism of the selection and the player would only strengthen the resolve of an individual with the most brittle of confidences. AR just told the guy to go out and play like he did in 2001 – coaching really is that simple. If the player does not perform, how can you blame the coach? Despite all this, Balshaw actually managed to show glimpses of form. Clearly, Ashton is having too much influence, so AR will negate this in the next game with a direct swap of positions with Moody.

AR stated yesterday that he is committed to helping turn-round England’s fortunes. There is certainly no doubt that he is suitably qualified to do this. After all, he is the man who has turned England from a side that won the 2003 World Cup to one that will probably exit the next competition after the group stages. On current form, there is a chance that South Africa will tuck us up on this front, and send an equally inept team to France. If so, it will be interesting to see who does qualify from the Group of Dearth!

Classifieds
The RFU has one pantomime horse for sale. £1 ono
• largely thread-bear
• often headless – in need of strong leadership
• highly restricted vision
• requires one head up one backside
• answers to name of Dobbin
• fits neatly into sack
• comes complete with P45
• suitable for scrap heap