Accept No Substitutes

Go Tinkerbelles!
By Steven Dean
July 26 2006

The Fatblokes 7's has been an occasion for old men to regain their youth (along with some serious injuries). This year that opportunity was extended to the ladies. Mr Dean tells the story of the first ever Fatblokes Ladies match...

The Trumping Tinkerbelles first competitive match was due to be in the Ladies Semi-Final against The Hove Harlots. However, they were the no show Hove Ho's. This caused the Tinkerbelles squad of 14 able bodied to split in two and play against each other. This meant there was no room for substitutes, as every member of the squad took part. And So, partly as an exhibition, partly as a warm-up for the final, and partly to entertain a curious crowd eager constant action, IronGirrl rugby was born. Tinks I v Tinks II.

In order to avoid confusion for the spectators the Tinks II played in pink Flatulent Fairies shirts of varying sizes and vintages. I think the Pink Tinks were at a disadvantage psychologically playing in ill-fitting and assorted shirts, hastily donated by fat hairy Fairies, but they rose above it. A vision in Antique Rose. My own shirt has never looked better, and bulged in different places, not least of which was the pitch. In contrast the pale pink and navy quartered colours of the Trumping Tinkerbelles looked like serious business.

The Semi was a 3pm kick off, and it had been raining hard for over an hour when I was stripped and thrust pitch side to spectate and support. I managed a couple of pictures of each moist and smiling team and they went out to the middle. Spectators swore their eyes shone like diamonds with the eagerness of the contest, some having their hair tied up in rather fetching black velvet band.

With no note taking capabilities, and a pint of cider in my hand getting diluted, I wanted to be back inside the shelter of the bar. I'd expected an embarrassing farce, frankly. I'd expected to be as entertained as looking at other peoples holiday snaps. I'd expected the sort of brownian motion that is under 8's football.

I'd expected a half-hearted, game between mates, ooh don't chip my nail varnish before the final, sort of game. I was wrong, wrong as only a man can be. Yes, if a man makes a statement and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong ? Yes, wrong and thrice wrong.

In the rain, on a full sized pitch, the Tinkerbelles I v Tinkerbelles II treated us to a ding-dong of a contest. This was full contact, not a touch 7's contest as had been rumored by the ill-informed. As such it was full blooded. We got some crunching tackles, and some determined scragging. When I see professional players going into contact I don't give it a second thought, but see the girls hit each other and the deck made me wince. In spite of an hours rain the ground had been baked hard for a month. So it was all the more admirable that like Chumbawumba "They get knocked down, but they got up again".

The girls were also re-cycling the ball quickly, getting support at the breakdown, and lining up to give options of width on both sides. It was very clear from the early exhanges that the sides were organized, keen, and evenly matched.

Different girls took the scrum position and the slippery ball was passed quickly along the line. There appeared to be no obvious weak links. As I say the passing was right for the conditions, not panicked, yet not so leisurely to be of the hospital variety. I can't remember seeing any handling howlers. No knock forwards or forward passes. Nor was there much ball lost in contact with the player, but there was with the ground.

They always say a good referee is invisible, or maybe he was just hidden behind a couple of props, but the experienced yellow shirted official had little to do in terms of technical offences. The game was played at a decent speed, and in time the first of several drinks breaks was signaled. This was a very slick move which had evidently been worked out in training. The crowd under their umbrellas were stunned by the speed at which little drinks with umbrellas in were brought on to the field for the players.

As the game progressed, the stamina and work rate of the fitter players did show, and we also saw the first try from one of the speedsters. Unfortunately it was not converted, but warmly applauded all the same. I thought at one point that there were two players with pale blue socks, such was the amount of work she did on both sides of the field. I think this was Tink, who along with Denise were the quicker players, but in addition she put in some determined chasing and tackling out wide. There wasn't a weak link on the pitch but I'd make her Girl of The Match.

I knew Lynn, Denise, Michelle, Classy, and Trouble from before the match, but without having favorites you have to say they all 14 played well and were evenly matched. Lynn is a natural leader on the field, and the determined Chelle will become the Lewis Moody of the side. She's half way there already !

Particularly impressive in the loose was Elsie, who really put herself about. Almost always the first to any breakdown, and with the ball in hand she played like a woman..er ..possessed. In fact if anyone was looking for a loose woman, than they need look no further than Elsie

There was an unfortunate injury to one girl, it looked like a knee or ankle. These are the As far as I know they have had around 4 training sessions together, so the skill, organization, determination and fitness they showed was highly commendable.

The no show Hove Ho's meant that the Tinks had a bye to the final where they met the very impressive, talented and well drilled Harlequins Ladies, Jason's Jezebels. Although our girls did very well up front, there is as they say “No substitute for Pace”. Quins scored two tries in the first half of the final, when our quickest or only girl quick enough to match the Quins pace was rested. Probably due to sheer exhaustion. In the second half Quins scored another 5 tries as they had found the questions which Tinkerbelles just couldn't answer. The match was played by our girls all the way to the end, as the sun came out, Tinkerbelles were left chasing shadows.

I hope that we see more of the Trumping Tinkerbelles, and Jason's Jezebels. There was talk of Tinks joining training with the Abbey Nuns, so we can hope for a closer final next season if they can attract some quick players. The other semi final between Quins & Marlow showed that Tinkerbelles are on the road to challenging the Marlow Maneaters. It was difficult to judge the level, but great strides have been made already.

So if you are a woman, or know of one, whether they can currently play or not, but are willing learn and determined to succeed and have fun. Join the Trumping Tinkerbelles.

They are a fun team, but no joke.