Exeter Match Report (Kind of)
By Sam_R43
April 14 2013
How can I forget the events of the Exeter game on Saturday 13th April 2013, it was an incredible day! There were a good number of London Irish supporters down in Exeter for the game. Exeter is always a great place to go and watch rugby, great support there; great ground, amazing hog roast. The situation from a London Irish point was quite simple; a win meant we were mathematically safe.
The players took to the pitch, a minute silence took place, and it was well respected around the ground by those taking part and those who didn’t, a non-story for the press. Then kick-off took place, I think we they kicked-off going away from our stand.
As soon as the ball was caught by the Exeter player there was a flash of light, so strong was the light that people were forced to look away. After a few seconds the light dimmed and a green mist could be seen over the pitch. As the strong breeze blowing rain into our faces blew the mist away a large circular disk shaped space ship stood on the half-way line.
The crowd was silent, just like between the time of 3:00pm and 3:01pm. The deathly silence was only broken by the mechanical grinding of a doorway falling from the solid metal underbelly of the space ship. Out crawled a huge, purple alien with a jelly-like texture. It had one eye on a long spindly tentacle and a huge black hole through the middle of it with white teeth. It demanded the microphone from the incredibly loud PA announcer, who could only but oblige, or risk angering the beast.
All the players that were scattered across the pitch, flat on their backs, like a Tongan try-scoring machine had run over the top of them. The alien beast instructed that no one should leave as they had a case to present. A number of people snuck towards the exit but a red laser beam broke through the clouds and the supporters were quickly vaporised. The alien had shown his authority and had everyone’s attention.
A loud voice exclaimed loudly over the PA, “Listen to me, a huge injustice has been done.” Stunned faces turned to confusion, what could it possibly want? Was it referring to Tiger Woods having the rules bent to make sure he could play in the Master? Did he want proof of the mystical Grandad Smith that always has such pearls of wisdom published in the match day programmes? Or did he want justice for the fact a normal burger was £5, the same price as the fantastic hog roast?
“I understand your vague principles of democracy” Boomed the voice. “Therefore, this shall be done democratically! We, on my planet BMoore, watch this Aviva Premiership competition with great interest. We know Sir Owens has many eyes and McCaw can never fall on his team’s side of a ruck. We understand your competition greatly. However, we fail to understand why Irish play so poorly.”
“We’re rubbish!” comes a cry from the stand. “No!” The voice cries back. “We watch them in training; your backs are wise and have brains full of rugby, for we have scanned them. Your forwards are strong and powerful, with many carries. We have seen what has caused the problem.”
“We’re in a developmental stage but we’ve signed many people that are potential internationals in the future.” Beckons a voice from the Irish dugout, but we’re too far off and still blinded from the light to tell who it was. “Wrong again” says the creature. “Your downfall has come due to technological advances in your earth screen boxes. For before the referee was blind but is now guided by the great TOM who lives in a box filled with screens. Each time the referee refers a decision to the great TOM, London Irish are greatly punished!”
Nods of agreement come from the supporters in green spattered across the ground. “But I come here to offer to right this injustice!” Said the creature. “I shall slay the great TOM who lives in a box and grant London Irish 1,000,000 match points.” Cheers greeted this offer from all the London Irish supporters, banging their drums and throwing their green wigs in the air. The Exeter supporters were thoroughly bored of all of this and were now in the bar.
“However” declared the creature. “If the great TOM is killed and you become successful a curse must be put upon you. You and your people of Craic shall have nothing to complain about forevermore. Not against players, nor coaches, nor officials. You must remain… positive!”
Cheers turned to wails from the Irish support, “We cannot be positive, that wouldn’t be the London Irish way” came a voice from the stand. “However, I have learnt respect from you rugby folk, unlike those who kick the circular ball, always falling over the invisible leg and shouting abuse at men who have been knighted ‘sir’. Therefore, we must do this democratically. All those in favour of eternal glory raise your hand. Silence yet again fell over Sandy Park, not a hand moved. Several moments passed as the creature scanned over the Irish supporters, then the players and finally the coaches. Not one of them had their hands raised. They stood united, “we shall never surrender our right to complain! We will always disagree with the team selection, never will our recruitment policy be right, our tactics shall always be under scrutiny, because we are the Mighty Exiles!” came the rallying call.
The creature, looking deflated, as much as a jelly-like creature with one eye can look deflated, turned and said “But we have already prevented you from relegation by changing the nationality of Tyson Keats, for he was in fact English but we have changed that in your favour! We have kept you from relegation!”
All those associated with Irish stood in a circle around the space craft and joined hands and began to sing, “By a lonely prison wall…”
“I shall leave you, have it your way!” bemoaned the creature. “But you shall have no recollection of any of this; I shall wipe your brains of all that has happened today. Instead I shall place in your minds another poor away performance, resulting in a loss of 27-6, with tries for Matt Jess and Dave Ewers.”
With that he crawled back into his space ship and the light flashed again and the ship rose into the skies, taking off with such speed he caused the wind direction to change and damage to the pitch. But wind direction and a poor away performance is all anyone else can remember of this game.
I know what really happened, even if everyone cannot. I shall always remember the day we took a stand against those from outer space. When we decided that we wouldn’t cave in and seek eternal glory, we aren’t Tigers, we were proud to struggle for survival year on year on year, as long as we maintained our right to disagree with everything and agree on nothing.
So here is to another season in the Aviva Premiership! COME ON YOU IRISH!
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I'll have a pint of what you've been on ... Quote from the dugout is very funny
Quote:Heaf
I'll have a pint of what you've been on ... Quote from the dugout is very funny
Sitting in California on holiday I ll believe this happened as the alternative is too horrific, sad for Welsh but we stayed up! I ll raise a glass of wine to that
