A look at the new season coming sooooooonnnn
Mystic Reg?
By Mystic Reg
July 7 2003
The Craic are pleased to announce the signing of the much sought-after clairvoyant, Mystic Reg. It was a battle the likes of which has been seen loads of times before
Seasons predictions by Mystic Reg
September
London Irish win their first 3 games. Carrickman predicts the season will go downhill from now on.
Northampton denounce the Salary Cap “How can we be expected to employ players like Smith, Williams, Connors, Reihana, Robinson, Drahm, Leslie, Pountney, Blowers, Dawson, Grayson, Beal, Cohen, Thompson and Morris and remain within the salary cap. It is clearly nonsense. Oops, don’t quote me on that.”
October
Concern grows about the use of ‘Offensive Blocks’ to make space for runners as Wasps re-designate their front row as ‘Left Tackle’ ‘Centre’ and ‘Right Tackle’. New ‘Tight End’ Larry Dallaglio denies there is any significance in this change.
Iain Balshaw takes his place in the World Cup squad as he is carried on to the plane for Australia on a stretcher. “Iain is a unique talent that I want in the side” says Clive Woodward “Given the fast, hard pitches in Australia I do not see his confinement to a wheel chair as a handicap.”
Carrickman wants to know why he has not heard anyone sing ‘Fields of Athenry’ in Gaelic yet this season.
November
England lose a tight World Cup final to New Zealand after the award of a last-minute penalty for 'Gallipoli'. England are already under severe pressure at the time following Martin Johnson’s yellow card for his part in the Amritsar massacre.
As the World Cup ends a number of players simultaneously announce their retirement and that they have joined Saracens.
Harlequins go top of the ZP after a thrilling 0 – 3 win at Gloucester. Carrickman decides we should never have left The Stoop.
December
Northampton suspend Budge Pountney for 3 games after video evidence confirms that he was not offside at a ruck. Commenting after the hearing Pountney says “I am sorry, this was totally out of character and I obviously wish it had never happened.”
London Wasps announce that they are changing their name to Wycombe Wasps and moving to Oxford.
Todd Blackadder announces his retirement from competitive rugby. He will continue to play for Edinburgh in the Bank of Scotland Pro Rugby Cup.
January
Mass rejoicing at Welford Road as Dean Richards finally realises that Austin Healey is a p*ss poor Fly-Half.
Injury-victim Matt Dawson announces that his charisma by-pass has been successful. He will therefore be able to continue to look sullen as expert summariser for the BBC.
February
Bath supporters finally come to terms with the fact that they are no longer European Champions.
Disaster for England ‘A’ against France as a mistake in the Match Programme sees Joe Worsley start as loosehead prop, with Mike Worsley at flanker.
The BBC announces a new policy for its rugby coverage. From now on pointless touch-line interviews with Austin Healey and Lewis Moody by interviewers with no knowledge of the game are mandatory at all televised games. Viewers are not aware that this is a change of policy.
March
Following his successful kidney transplant Jonah Lomu makes his debut for Scotland. Apparently he qualifies through his kidney donor’s Scottish grandfather.
With London Irish 3rd in the League and in the semi-finals of the Powergen Cup and Parker Pen, Carrickman predicts that their crowded playing schedule will spell disaster.
April
Orrell win National Division 1 in front of a season’s high crowd of 823. Commenting on their success a spokesman for the RFU said “The promotion of a side that has absolutely no supporter base is just what club rugby needs. Anything that helps drive professional rugby out of business can only be good for the game. Oops, don’t quote me on that”.
Cecil Duckworth announces he is selling Worcester to the Welsh RFU. The WRFU will amalgamate their 5 Regional sides into a new ‘super super team’ called ‘Worcester’s Welsh Warriors’, playing in ND1. A WRFU spokesman says “We will aim to consolidate in mid-table for our first season and then look to build from there.”
May
London Irish finish 4th in the ZP and win the Powergen and Parker Pen. Carrickman announces he is not buying a season ticket for next season as it is clearly going to be a disaster.