The new season for the Usual Suspects

Crystall Ball gazing
By Mystic Reg
July 7 2003

Our star (?-Ed.) columnist takes a forward look at the new season for the Usual Suspects. The results are probably startlingly true...

New Season Predictions for the Usual Suspects


September


As Irish head for the top of the table, Reading Fatboy finally admits that his hatred of all things techie stems from the moment he realised that he was much better at talking about it than doing it. This admission, in his appraisal interview, leads to instant promotion to Technical Director. A post which he is relishing.


October


Mulledwinemarie is seething after a Trigger Happy TV-type stunt was perpetrated against her. Upon arrival at her local Waitrose, KenE, Hon. Membership Sec. LISC and a camera crew were on hand to offer Marie a 90 second trolley dash in light of her having signed up her 10,000th LISC Member.

When Marie emerged, there was no camera crew or Hon. Membership Secretary. The resultant visit to the Police station resulted in much hilarity until the store CCTV verified the story. Marie was quoted to have left the station shouting, “I b****y told you there was a camera crew! That Ken is a goner when I get my hands on him”.

Ken E does not appear at any LI functions, even the LISC Dinner Dance.

November

OxonRob is detained outside the Madstad for finally losing it with the caterers and setting up his Barbequed Tuna stand, with food available from £2.50 a pop.

This was extremely successful with the supporters but was viewed very negatively by the Stadium Management who issued the following statement. “Now that good food has been tasted at the Madstad, they’ll all want some. Oh, don’t quote me will you?”

The Spanish Tour was a roaring success, but like the 60’s, if you remember it, you weren’t there! ConfusedIdentity changes his handle after the trip to ConfusedExistence as he knows he really shouldn’t be alive with consumption in that amount. AG_Apprentice finally earns his Union Card and moves up to AG_LeadingHand.

December


The effect of the players returning from RWC duty is starting to show, but Irish are still challenging for honours on all fronts. Amazing news, the visiting Bishops Stortford hordes (aka TPL’s Marauders) are outflanked by the Millennium Madejski Hotel management who actually have more Rose in stock than the combined efforts can consume. Billy Bisach unveils the newer, louder Sammy. We think it was to great applause, but cannot be sure as we all now have tinnitus on a permanent basis.


January

After one last effort (for charity, honest Guv!), Eek the Weenie as he is now known, decides to retire the infamous piece of pink cloth. Irish look odds on to be in the Parker Pen Final.


February

DublinAnnette demonstrates her hugely inflated thighs as she continues to train for her Transatlantic Solo Pedallo trip for the Zurich Kids2Care4 charity. The young Green twins make their first home appearance of the season in full kit.


March

More International and Cup rugby sees FallingUpTheMilleniumSteve up to his usual antics in the company of JoeV. They have now featured in a BBC documentary on the art of having been flutered in every one of the 6 Nations Stadia but having got home in one piece each time (eventually). This was seen as a major improvement in the rugby coverage offered by the BBC. Loobs puts the sound into the biggest stage and crowd ever seen at the Madstad as Munster come to town (no idea why, they just do!)


April

Irish win the PG cup again as new signing Phil Murphy takes on legendary status by popping off the back of a driving maul to score a last minute try against Glaws and states in his post-match interview,” See Nigel, that’s how it should be done!” SteveS is single-handedly responsible for the RFU abandoning relegation from the ZP, following his campaign which started in the FT but extended to the nations rugby press. Indeed, Chris Jones was heard to say that it was a welcome move and that Steve had only picked up where he had left off last year.


May

This is the awards time of year and the surprised faces at the Madstad were something to behold as BrianC was awarded the Most Reserved Supporter of the Year Award. Carrickman renews his season ticket as soon as prices are announced, he really cannot wait. AlecW gets to recite one of his own poems before the last game of the season to celebrate a great season. The crowd go wild.