On this day before yesterday, 27 Nov 2023

By Old Kwin
November 28 2002

Struggling glamour club Harlequins, lying seventh in Pool B of the Virgin Premiership, are rumoured to be contemplating drastic measures to focus solely on the competitions they judge most important for the club, and may play weakened, or half-hearted teams for selected games.

With the threat of relegation looming over them in the VP,  next month Quins must also travel to Paris for the Plume de me Tante European Cup, second round; and just a week later they commence their 2023/24 campaign for the Anne Diamond Knockout Cup.

Sources close to Lord Evans of Jilling, (Quins' Head of Strategic Planning, Chief Coach and part-time CEO), have hinted that Quins plan to focus their efforts on just one part of their crammed playing agenda, and will field weakened or inexperienced teams in so-called 'low-priority' games.

"For us clearly the biggest threat is relegation from the league, we have to focus on that" the spokesman said, "and to be safe we reckon we need to win 50% of our league games.   Now, that's a big ask, so we've decided to conserve our energies by not trying very hard in Away Games"

"The point is: away games are well brutal anyway, and everyone knows you can survive in the league for years on home games alone - look at Gloucester Wasps - so we're convinced it's the right strategy.  And the format for Europe this season works right in our favour here, with home and away legs every round, so we're still in with a chance. If we can win at home, perhaps we won't need to bother with the Away leg at all.  As for the Cup....well we could get a lucky draw"

Under VP rules Quins are compelled to field their best team for each game, so in fact it seems unlikely that they will be able to rest key players for away games as they would like. However, in that case they plan to field a full strength team, but encourage them to take things a little easier for the first hour....before being substituted.

Other VP clubs have been consulted about Quins' controversial policy, but surprisingly have declared themselves comfortable with it - the only question raised being as to how they would tell the difference.

(Quins last won an away game in 2019, against  Teddington)

Mascot Update

Quins long running search for a suitable mascot continues. A succession of disappointing candidates have tried and failed this season and the incumbents - the initially promising and popular Kwip and Prod - have proved inappropriate:  playing to the crowd and behaving like a law unto themselves.   Accordingly, the club's head of match-day hospitality has requested a Special General Meeting at which it is planned to interview a number of new aspiring mascots, in the hope of finding an entirely new figurehead for this unimportant part of club life.  The meeting is expected in July.