Breaking News: Mystery Illness in Lancaster's Squad

By Hugh de Source
January 16 2012

Reports are coming in of a mystery illness which looks likely to scupper Stuart Lancaster's brave new England team. The debilitating condition was first reported to have struck down several players at Northampton Saints and then spread up the M1 corridor to Leicester where sick Tigers now abound.

Already being called the East Midlands Flu, the desease is intermittant and only seems to break out and exhibit symptoms when a player from Northampton or Leicester pulls on an England shirt. Apparently as soon as the white shirt is removed and replaced by the player's club shirt the symptoms subside and a quick recovery ensues.

The disease was first noticed at Northampton when a newly called up player tried on an old England shirt belonging to Dylan Hartley - the player concerned rapidly became confused and displayed an inability to hold a ball. It is also rumoured that hair started to grow in strange places.

However a quick thinking Ben Foden removed the England shirt and put the player back into a Saints shirt and he recovered. Similar incidents were reported at Welford Road where several Tigers succumbed to a painful rash and an unremitting urge to flop over the ball.

Science is baffled by the strange plague and Dr Ken Glum a Senior Lecturer in Bovine Waste Disposal at the Leicester College of Hairdressing & Culture told our reporter that the symptoms were hard to intrepret although in his opinion they were nothing that couldnt be cured by a good local derby match with that lot down the road.

The Rev Dorian West, Northamptons forwards coach and Spiritual Advisor, took a harder line when he suggested that it was all to do with the insecurity felt by his players at the prospect of a softer coaching regime to the one they were used to .

The players themselves are also baffled and were reluctant to be interviewed. Eventually we did persuade Chris Ashton to emerge from a huddle of shivering humanity taking refuge under a pile Black Green and Gold jerseys to speak to us through an interpreter (he denied that this was because he was learning Afrikaans).

Ashton said that he had never felt so peculiar - it's very odd he said - the club shirt makes me feel good - in the other one I don’t know who or where I am and keep having these dreadful halucinations about a half empty stadium, drums and a camel .

The England coaching team were not available for comment but in a series of Twitters Messrs Shaw, Tindall, Cipriani and Regan said that they were ready to step into save England in its hour of need.

Posted by: ComeOnYouSaints.com (IP Logged)

Date: 16/01/2012 11:42

What do you think? You can have your say by posting below.
If you do not already have an account Click here to Register.