Warning - not suitable for those of a tabardish persuasion

By Huwbert George Wales
June 14 2014

or indeed of stripey tendancies!!

THE TIME TRAVELLER’S GUIDE TO RUGBY

by Huwbert George Wales

It was a dark and stormy night as a stretched limousine with tinted windows pulled up outside a mostly darkened mansion on the outskirts of the crumbling city of Leicester. Only one pale light flickered over the portico just about illuminating the heavy oak doors.

As a man got out of the limousine and mounted the steps to the doors they seemed to open of their own accord. This was not so as a balding and rather skeletal figure lurched forward. “ Good evening Sir Edward I will take you through to the professor - by the way my name is Burk “

Burk led the way across an imposing hall way its only decoration being a strange collage of red and yellow cards. Passing down a dingy corridor Burk threw open a door and ushered the guest into a comfortable and well-appointed room. A fire of RFU disciplinary regulations burned brightly in the grate besides which in a large leather am chair sat the host a squat balding man with a permanent scowl etched into his features. .

Professor Reinhardt Von Cockerel rose to greet his guest. “Sir Edward “ he grunted “ what a pleasure – although we do meet in unusual and disappointing times Oh and by the way I like your disguise - coming here dressed as a domestic servant – clever eh ? “

Sir Edward looked puzzled “ The pinny man, the pinny “ pointed out the Professor. Sir Edward drew himself up to his full height. This a tabard not a pinny and it’s not a disguise I wear it because I am a Saracen .

“ All right all right calm down - and tell me how you think I can help you “ . Asked the Professor.

“ Well” replied Sir Edward I’ve watched your lot play the game and it’s clear that you know how to control time - You know dragging yourselves to Line outs –making sure the ref has a dodgy watch. It’s even rumoured that you once got a stadium clock to go into reverse.

The Professor looked around “ Oh there is more to it than that I’ve been working for years on a machine that can travel back in time -it’s got a few glitches but when its ready – think of the implications.

Sir Edward gulped “ You mean you could go back and do something that would change the result of a match.

The Professor leaned in towards his guest and said in his most friendly voice (this usually caused milk to sour and infants to bawl) and I know just which match result you want to change

Sir Edward looked sheepishly at the floor and muttered - “The Final, the final “ - and then louder

“ it was a travesty we were robbed after all we were top of the league – it was our birth right to win that match.

Sir Edward was now very flushed and did not look well.

The Professor rose from his chair and beckoned to his guest to follow him. He led him across the room to a door on the opposite side, which he opened. Before them steps led down into darkness. The Professor flicked wall switch and lights came on showing a long staircase descending towards who knew what.

At the bottom of the stairs Sir Edward looked around and took in what was a large and well equipped laboratory complete with Bunsen burners, glass retorts and many motor car batteries stacked against one wall . However, what really caught his attention was the strange device in the centre of the room.

It was a peculiar sight, looking like a cross between a sit-on motorised lawn mower and an old electric oven . It was nevertheless the product of weeks of work. There were two seats on the bit that looked like lawn mower together with a cannibalised computer screen and various levers and a steering wheel . From the part that looked like a defunct electric oven two heavy electrical leads trailed to motorcycle helmet with attached earphones.

The professor pointed at the machine and explained - it has two functions - That he said pointing at the oven bit and helmet with earphones will wipe your memory of any unpleasant memories facts etc. We have actually upgraded that bit as a separate item the new portable version is selling well. Quite a few of our fans have used one and as far they are concerned nothing whatsoever happened at Twickenham on 31^st May this year.- or if they wish since that catastrophic Friday evening in Northampton .

“ No, no “ stuttered Sir Edward “ We need more than that. It would take years to treat all of our supporters – well those who we pack into Wembley and then there is our overseas brand to consider. No that’s not the answer.

“ OK then said the professor “ If you are up to it we will do the other thing and he gestured towards the seats at the lawn mower end of the device. Sit down and strap yourself in. “

Nervously Sir Edward did as he was bid, pausing only to take a quick selfie which he planned to pass on to his list of trained hacks who believed every word he said or was likely to say.

The Professor took his place beside him, strapped himself in and started to press buttons and twiddle knobs. The computer screen in front of him lit up and after more fiddling with knobs displayed a schematic of Twickenham stadium. “ Right then “ said the professor and he typed in a date 31.05.14 “ and now when precisely do you want to get there.

Stop, stop – cried Sir Edward we need to be there the day before - we need to remove the referee and the TMO.- so that we get ones that are more favourable to our great cause. We could get there early and poison them with Biltong that is past its sell by date.

The Professor looked at him and thought, “ This bloke is barking “ - and then a very wicked idea occurred to him. “ Ok, he said “ but we need to make some adjustments “ and he started fiddling with knobs and levers again

“ Just make sure that we don’t lose to Northampton in that damned final –that’s all I ask of you “ shrieked the by now hysterical Sir Edward.

With a shout of “ Hang on here we go “ the professor he pulled the large lever on the left of the machine.

There was great flash and both men felt as if they falling through space. Lights flashed all around them and then the air cleared and they were not in the laboratory any more . Now they were sat in a box at Twickenham a TV monitor in front of them.

On the pitch were players milling about under the posts at the North end. A tall man in a yellow shirt was standing amongst them looking up at large screen . Sir Edward looked at the TV monitor in front him - something was wrong the players in Green Black and Gold were smiling - but the other team those looking worried were wearing a tatterdemalion combination of blue, pink, green and brown. Suddenly the TV cut to the smiling face of Ashley Rowden who said “ Wayne you may award the Try !!! “.

The man in yellow raised his arm and blew his whistle .The TV screen showed 80minutes and a score line of Northampton 19 Harlequins 14 . – and the stadium went wild.

Sir Edward was distraught - tears ran down his face whether they were of sorrow or rage it was hard to tell and as he turned to the Professor he missed the inevitable 2 points extra as Myler slotted the conversion to win the Premiership Final for Northampton

“ You utter swine “ he spluttered “ You promised me –you promised me “

“ Now then “ said the Professor “ With nearest the thing to a grin he could manage. “ You asked me to arrange for it to be - that your lot – that is Saracens -didn’t lose the Final to Northampton. That is just what I have done for you - only it was poor bloody Quins what lost it not you lot. Reckon in this time line they must have beaten you in the semi . Hey Ho.

Sir Edward was beside himself but did manage just one retort before collapsing under his wrinkled tabard and discarded fez. “ I should have known better – he gasped “ like those damn Saints are always saying - Same old Leicester always cheating “

Warning - not suitable for those of a tabardish persuasion

Posted by: ComeOnYouSaints.com (IP Logged)

Date: 14/06/2014 16:26

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